Left Coast Biased,
I was watching my son's football game last week and the best player on the other team was named Michael Jordan. He was absolutely dominant on both sides of the ball, and he ended up scoring something like 7 touchdowns. Every time he touched the ball the announcer would yell "JORDAN!!" over the PA system and every single time I get this vision of Jordan (you know, the one you can refer to by one name, either of his names?) rising in the paint, or throwing one down and I start gritting my teeth. By the end of the game I can't even talk to my wife as we pile into the car. Worse, now I have to put up with the "Honey, what's wrong?" questions all the way home.Then to top it all off, this kid is clearly a big time talent. He is already talking to schools like Texas and Oregon. Which means nationally televised games and maybe the NFL. Isn't there something that can be done about this? Can we put a list of names together that can never be used by any parents of even moderate athleticism? The confusion is more than I can bear.
Jason, Albuquerque
LCB: Jason,
Here's our thought. There has to be a cumulative name recognition matrix which combines personal infamy with name obscurity. We'll call it the Jordan Corollary. We have to make it infamy instead of any kind of performance quality based standard to allow for Anna Kournikova. I'll set it at an 11 on the Jordan Corollary. So for example, Joe Johnson has two completely common names and is not one of the best players in the world and has never gotten in trouble with the law. On the name obscurity scale (the N.O. scale) he gets a 1 and for infamy maybe a 6 on a scale to 10, which brings him to a 7 overall. Still on the table for all you prospective parents. Now on the other hand Duante Culpepper hits a 9.5 on the N.O. scale and at least a 5 on the infamy scale, and that's a double whammy, because after the whole Love Boat incident it is out of the question for all prospective sea faring progenitors. Of course, you could always circumvent this rule the way the Brazilians do, who have known it intuitively for ages. Just add an 'o' or an 'inho' to the end of it. Michael Jordinho? Game on.
Dear Left Coast Biased,
I am pleased as punch that the CryBoys were soundly beaten by the Eagles on Sunday, thereby keeping them from the playoffs. And I felt confident that we would see a melt down of Owenian proportions. But we haven't yet...what gives? I was sure that we would see TO resorting to blaming everyone but himself while managing to call his QB's sexuality into question. But he and Romo were united in their blame of the play calling. And Wade Phillips wasn't fired! What can we expect of the soap opera that is TO?
Sincerely, Giddy in Philly
LCB: Dear Giddy,
We here at Biased feel your pain, and offer our sincere condolences at your parents choice of nomenclature. Look on the bright side: you won't ever cause our friend Jason more angst and anger. So you know, one of us personally put money on either a meltdown or a sob session in the post game interview. Alas, one of us has a slightly lighter wallet...all things being equal. But do not doubt, fair reader that you will yet see a resolution to this madness. This is our theory: for all the media warmongering Owens did this season, he is actually not bringing his full insanity to bear. Rather he is keeping it pent up, letting it build inside of him waiting until he is retired and doing Viagra and Crest tooth whitening commercials to let it all loose with a fury we haven't seen since OJ let the crazy out of the closet and into the Bronco. Mark our words: Owens will eventually pull an OJ.
Dear Left Coast,
So it appears that Brett the Jet will take a few weeks to make a decision about whether or not to return to the Jets. If he retires, which team will he play for next season?
Andre, Buffalo
LCB: Andre,
The answer to your question is so brilliant that I am not even going to address it for a minute. the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets ownership has stated that it would like to keep Brett as the Jets starting quarterback for next season, although how that will be affected by the recent decision by the rest of the Jets players to put a bag over distant and alienating Brett's head, kick him in the nuts and shove him in front of an entire caravan of Greyhound buses remains to be seen. But can we take a moment to get back to the Worst Game Ever Played? How did we stop talking about how atrocious the Cowboys are just because some guys who are never going to even visit the Hall of Fame are a little resentful of the Darwinian fact that living legends get treated differently than working stiffs? But there it is! Brett goes to Dallas and backs up Romo! They can havepostgame competitions over whose drawl is more sincere and take turns blowing important games late in the season. Romo takes all the indoor games, Brett gets all the outdoor games unless they are in Florida in which case they run the wildcat all day through Felix Jones. Throw in the necessary Ocho Cinco signing and is there any group that would be more entertaining? I would want to follow them around with a camera waiting for the inevitable moment after their 8-0 start when the wheels for off resulting in an Anchormanesque royal rumble in the parking lote pitting Brett and the disgeruntled recievers against the Romo/Witten coalition against the Jonses Felix and Adam with Terrance Newman that gets taken to a whole new level when Keyshawn and Michael Irving set aside thier personal differences and coke to come lay down the law. On the side of the scrum Bradie James beats up any fans who try to hold them accountable. The thing is, you can actually see this happening! How much would you pay to see this? Could we get it on pay per view? I'm excited just thinking about it.
Lost Coast Biased,
If there was a fantasy acting league where actors got points based on movie grosses, tv cameos, talk show appearances, and acting awards, or something along those lines, who would you draft first? You would have different slots for leading actor, supporting actor, tv actor, and maybe director? You could play Kiefer Sutherland in any slot and Eastwood too. Maybe Branjelina as one actor? It would be hard to balance the scoring sytsem out, but wouldn't this be a way to get the E! audience into fantasy sports?
Amy, New Jersey
LCB: Amy,
We like the idea of being able to field a team of Hayden Panetierre, Megan Fox, Britney Spears, and Rachael Bilson while being competitive. Throw in points for magazine covers, include pictures in the weekly lineups and you have our full support.
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