Urban Rodeo, also known as a moderately violent solution to the difficulty of meeting people in our contemporary society, is a time honored sport played by gentlemen and scholars. You might not know exactly what this sport entails, so here is a brief definitive history: Urban Rodeo was born on the classic British tv show 'Balls of Steel', and had the producers of which deigned to respond to our entreaties for endorsement this would be the Official Complete Guide to Urban Rodeo. As is, we would like to make clear that we are in no way affiliated with the show or parent company in question, nor does this post in any way represent the opinions of said companies. UR was then popularized on Youtube, and is defined by Urban Dictionary, that font of contemporary knowledge and wisdom, as jumping on a stranger's back and holding on as long as you can, which is marginally accurate. We are going to be a bit more detailed than that.
Their basic premise is sound: jumping, backs, strangers... Here is where we digress.
- only hold for 8 seconds
- add alcohol
- if they like it, it doesn't count
Apart from those baselines, for full value a proper rodeo grip is one arm going over the shoulder
and locking under the opposite armpit, with legs equally locked by tucking one leg between the target's legs and behind the thigh. Feel free to be unnecessarily assertive in applying the leg lock (read: kick the target in his sensitiveness) if the target out weighs you by 15% or more, also known as the Dillabaugh Corollary. The hand not engaged in the arm pit lock is lifted above the head throwing up the UR hand sign - first two fingers crossed and third finger tucked, in a bastardization of the sign language for a U and an R.
Some other guidelines we recommend:
- only half credit for Rodeoing someone smaller than you, unless they work in the circus
- don't Rodeo pretty girls you don't know, they have boyfriends, this will end poorly
- avoid old people, not only do they break but landing on a walker is not pleasant, the are notoriously inflexible
- if the plaid:pinstripe or khaki:denim ratio exceeds 2:1, rodeo at your own risk (e.g. Oklahoma)
With that being said, here is our DISCLAIMER:
Urban Rodeo is not for the weak of heart. We don't just mean that all of you 
cowards should stay at home and play video games, but also those of you with a heart condition, or history of cardiac trouble in your family, or chest pain in general. Additionally, if you are pregnant or considering becoming pregnant, please consult your physician before attempting to Rodeo anything. While we feel like this should be self-evident, in lawsuits we trust, so we are hereby advising you to not try this at home. Realize the UR is about Throwing yourself on Strangers and trying to not get dropped on your head, the very premise of which constitutes sexual assault in 13 different states in the union. It is very likely that injuries will occur to either you or your target, in fact, that is kind of the allure. Accept the risk and Cowboy Up, but you were warned. Again, we strongly recommend not Rodeoing children, pregnant women or the senile, because if you break old man river's hip it is your own-damn-fault. We told you not to.
But, of course, if you do Urban Rodeo some clown in your local watering hole, have your buddy capture some video proof and we will throw it up here on the website for your eternal glory.
*additional warning: Urban Rodeo has been known to have side effects of increased self-confidence, feeling heroic, and generally being more awesome. These side effects can lead to other, unintended results, such as independent thought, asserting yourself, and growing a mustache, any and all of which can result in the immediate termination of your employment and/or personal relationships. So, again: you were warned.
We know that it has been more than a little while since we dropped any knowledge on you, so we decided to ease our way back into things with a mailbag. Unlike our last mailbag, these are all real questions from real people, who may or may not read our blog. Just like our last mailbag, however, this will also NOT be read by Bill Simmons and any of his future columns, regardless of any perceived similarities, were not inspired here.
Now we don't want you to think that we are just phoning this one in, so we are going to drop a cute little cypher on this post. Best of luck. For the lazy among our readership (which at last count was 92% of you) we will republish the uncypher in 3 days. And away we go!!
* Rqhpngvba vf na nqzvenoyr guvat. Ohg vg vf jryy gb erzrzore sebz gvzr gb gvzr gung abguvat gung vf jbegu xabjvat pna or gnhtug.
* Gur Ratyvfu ner nyjnlf qrtenqvat gehguf vagb snpgf. Jura n gehgu orpbzrf n snpg vg ybfrf nyy vgf vagryyrpghny inyhr.
* Vg vf n irel fnq guvat gung abjnqnlf gurer vf fb yvggyr hfryrff vasbezngvba.
* Gur bayl yvax orgjrra Yvgrengher naq gur Qenzn yrsg gb hf va Ratynaq ng gur cerfrag zbzrag vf gur ovyy bs gur cynl.
* Va byq qnlf obbxf jrer jevggra ol zra bs yrggref naq ernq ol gur choyvp. Abjnqnlf obbxf ner jevggra ol gur choyvp naq ernq ol abobql.
* Sevraqfuvc vf sne zber gentvp guna ybir. Vg ynfgf ybatre.
* Neg vf gur bayl frevbhf guvat va gur jbeyq. Naq gur negvfg vf gur bayl crefba jub vf arire frevbhf.
* Gb or ernyyl zrqvriny bar fubhyq unir ab obql. Gb or ernyyl zbqrea bar fubhyq unir ab fbhy. Gb or ernyyl Terrx bar fubhyq unir ab pybgurf.
* Rira gur qvfpvcyr unf uvf hfrf. Ur fgnaqf oruvaq bar'f guebar, naq ng gur zbzrag bs bar'f gevhzcu juvfcref va bar'f rne gung, nsgre nyy, bar vf vzzbegny.
* Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat cbbe vf rkgenintnapr. Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat evpu vf rpbabzl.
* Gubfr jubz gur tbqf ybir tebj lbhat.
* Nzovgvba vf gur ynfg ershtr bs gur snvyher.
Ok, just kidding. That actually had nothing to do with our post, I just like playing with cyphers. That was just a collection of wisdom from the illustrious Oscar Wilde, peruse at your leisure. On to the mailbag.
Dear Left Coast Biased, Where the crap are you?!?
Patiently,
Alli
LCB: Fair question. The short answer is that we took the summer off and enjoyed our downtime 
so much that we ran it on through the fall. The longer answer is that we have collectively faced many decisions and crises on a life altering scale. A sampling: Alan got a job, I lost a job; Alan grew a beard, I shaved; Alan hit his one year anniversary, I got single; Alan finished school, I went back. Between us we abused 14 different states and 3 countries. There was one night involving a troll, two Russians, several crimes of varying severity, and a midget attack, but that is a story for another time. In any event we took advantage of our months away from you to load up on fodder for your enjoyment and edification.
Dear Left Coast Biased,
Who do you think was the best player to come through the Arizona basketball program? Any thoughts?
Crazy for Cats
LCB: Of course we have thoughts! Half of us spend at least 3.14% of our time thinking about this exact thing. The other half tried to think about this from the ASU point of view but it only took him four seconds to say James Hardin and then he moved on.
First thought: If you went with anyone other than Sean Elliot then you are being fooled by chronological proximity. He is the end of the conversation. Google some clips.
Second thought: A much more enjoyable question is who would be your all time UA starting 5. The talent pool is so deep and guard weighted the a consensus is impossible. Let's say that I give you free choice of your entire 5 and then would still be able to drop a team on you that you are terrified of. Say you take Bibby, Kerr, Elliot, Wright and Woods (arguably the best we have had at each position). How confident would you be if I rolled out Damon, Terry, Jefferson, Reeves, and Brian Williams? What if I throw in Arenas and Iguodala off the bench? You question yourself more than a little. The real winner in this game is all of us Wildcats. Now be a good boy and don't forget to thank God for Sean Miller in your prayers tonight.
Dear Left Coast Biased,
Would it be safe to say that Leonardo DiCaprio is the Drew Breeze of the acting world? Everyone kind of thought he was good but it might have been the supporting cast (Depp in Gilbert Grape, Cameron in Titanic) then he moves on and you realize that he might be one of the best of his generation?
Tom
LCB: Great call. here are some other parallels that leap to mind:
- Ricky Williams - Super hyped and does pretty well for himself for a little while before going absolutely crazy then realizing that no one actually likes crazy and slowly working back to a more mild mediocrity= Tom Cruise. (Sidenote: here is our prediction that in 3-5 years Cruise will slowly try to shift back to being human and will settle comfortably into Aging Harrison Ford roles)
- Manny Ramirez - First you notice that he is crazy good, then you start to think that maybe he is just crazy, talking in aphorisms and the hair add going for steroids after the testing was full bore, but then he reminds you how crazy good he is in LA and he spends the rest of his career dancing back and forth over the Rodman line= Jonny Depp.
- Jeff Garcia - You guess that he has to be pretty good because he keeps getting work EVERYWHERE and every now and then you even like what he's doing= Morgan Freeman.
- Barry Bonds - Look, he was good before, really good, and maybe we didn't appreciate him enough, but the quality of work that he has produced since getting artificially swelled has been nothing short of phenomenal so we don't even care abot the cheating or the aging. We will even forgive him the little bit of crazy= Angelina Jolie.
It seems like all you ever talk about is sports. Don't you guys ever think about politics, religion, or anything in any way substantial or at all relevant to everyday life?
Ashley
LCB: No. But please tune in next week as we discuss the art of diverting every conversation to a sports topic, highlighted by the illustration of North Carolina's Women's Soccer program as the equivalent of the Israeli/Pakistani conflict.
Dear Left Coast Biased,
I have been playing fantasy football avidly for years now and I find myself enjoying the watching of actual football games less and less. Last week I even found myself rooting against my favorite team so that my fantasy defense could put me over the top. Any advice?
Pittsburgher
LCB: We empathize completely. There are 3 things we recommend to return to your blissful Sundays of yore. All of them operate from the basic principle that football is essentially a team sport and the chief infringement of fantasy football on the game is the reduction of the team to a mere collection of individuals. Listed in order of preference, here are your options as we see it:
#3 - In next year's fantasy draft shamelessly embrace the role of That Guy, drafting Roethlisberger, Mendenhall, Ward, Miller and the Steeler's D, obstreperously defending your picks with "not trusting" Super Star X and that this is (certain Steeler player's) year. Just do it. You will enjoy the season more. And for the record, by That Guy, I mean my sister.
#2 - Surrender to your degenerate nature and embrace sports gambling (in states where legal, or online). Rediscover the joy of team sports by dropping financially sound amounts of money on the team of your choosing week in and week out. You can heighten your appreciation of the entire Sunday by joining our collaboration with UA Cat Wrap in a weekly One Parlay to Rule Them All: a 12 team parlay paying off at 2500:1. This week's OPRTA - KC +6.5 , Texans +5.5, Pitt -14, Vikes -3, Jags -10, GB -14, Philly -14, Cards +3, Jets -10, Pats -9.5, ATL -3, and the Broncos +4. For those of you more timid of heart and wallet you can drop the two that increase your pucker factor the most and tease it, adding 6 points across the board and only dropping your odds to 25:1.
#1 Option for Rediscovering the Joy of America's Game: FLUID FANTASY FOOTBALL! You and your friends each pick a team in a given game to support (even contests you split between the two evenly, lopsided games everyone goes with the underdog). the game works along the lines of fantasy football, except points are awarded for team performance and points correspond to the opposing team drinking. A quick run down of our points system:
- kickoff return < yards =" 1">
- kickoff return > 35 yards = 1 drink for kicking team
- 20 yard offensive play = 1 drink for the defending team
- 1st down = 1 drink for the defending team
- Touchdown = 5 drinks for defending team
- PTA = 1 drink for defending team
- Turnover = 5 drinks for offensive team
- Defensive touchdown = full beer for offensive team
- 50 yard field goal = 3 drinks for defensive team
- Successful challenge = 3 drinks for challenging team
- Unsuccessful challenge = 5 drinks for challenging team
- 15 yard penalty (pass interference, roughing, unnecessary roughness, etc.) = 1 drink for non-penalized team for being a pansy
- Loss of yards = 1 drink for the offensive team
- Quarter break = everyone drinks .25 of a beer
- Halftime = everyone .5 of a beer
- Each team picks a specific commercial, whenever it shows the other team drinks 1 drink
- Beer commercial, everyone drinks 1 drink
- Commercial of the beer you are drinking = 1 drink for every time they mention the name of the beer
- At halftime you can negotiate for trades of either commercials or teams
- Team that wins the football game pays for the drinks
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