The Left Coast Biased

We might as well have this out sooner rather than later. At some point in time during your perusal of this collection of our idyllic ramblings you will begin to wonder whether I am being serious. Did these stories really happen? Do I really believe these philosophies that I am espousing? Let me anticipate the question with this answer: I am always serious, especially when I am joking. For reasons that I don't delve into, as there are fears of delving to deep and awakening things better left to sleep, I have always had a more fluid relationship with the concept of truth than that with which most people are comfortable. Let us just say that for those of us who are more flexible when reaching that place where subjective perception intersects with objective reality sincerity is always very easy while honesty is somewhat more difficult to achieve. So to guide all our interactions heretofore let this be your rubric: if you think that I am joking then I likely firmly hold to what I am professing, and if I appear more earnest then the chances are good that I am having a laugh. That being said...

I have long been a fan of polygamy, both as a theory and a practice. I like the idea of having a larger relationship, of them being friends, of creating my own little fiefdom. I am a love the community of family and I want to have as much of it as I can. Polygamy (e.g., Warren Jeffs, Big Love, Mitt Romney) tends to get a bad rap, in my humble opinion (a phrase you are not supposed to use, because you are obviously the one writing; of course it is your opinion). We have so long operated under the assumption that polygamy is a dirty word and a dirtier concept that there aren't any rational arguments against it. The objections run the gamut from ad hominem to ad baculum without ever pausing in the realm of validity. Let's run through them:

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Polygamy is pedophilia. True, some polygamists dip into the wine before it is fully aged. But these are the religious nut jobs who are equally as likely no ask everyone in their commune to chase a comet with them. No offense, Brigham. Polygamy isn't any more inherently oppressive to women than a monogamous male-female marriage. Should we abolish booze (again) because Tara Ried goes on nightly benders?
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If you legalize polygamy, it's a slippery slope, and next you'll have to legalize men marrying goats. Not really. Two (relatively) rational adult females who are capable of declaring yes or no do not equal one insensate and incoherent goat.

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Polygamy is an affront to God and the Bible. Perhaps. Depends which part of the Bible. In the Old Testament, you know- the part where it was unbelievably strict and judgmental, polygamy is accepted without a cross word. I read about a man after God's own heart who had eight wives, and his son holds the record with 700. All the New Testament says is that you can't be a deacon.

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It's bad for the kids. The studies are vague. And actually, anthropologist Philip Kilbride says that polygamy would reduce the divorce rate and be better for kids. Given that most kids suffer from a lack of attention and absentee parentism, wouldn't more parents be better?

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There would be a single-man surplus. This is actually the most realistic and severe problem. The math is simple: The rich men will snap up several women. Bill Gates will rack up Solomon-like numbers, leaving the rest of us schmucks crying alone in our rooms. (This will be true even if polygamy is a two-way street, as it should be. Women should be allowed to marry multiple men. But most won't. DNA and testosterone say that men will be the ones who do most of the spouse collecting.) And yet...so what? Isn't that the point of the free market? Why should love be any different from business? It'd be good incentive for us other guys to start our own software mega company. Given the laws of evolutionary progression, aren't the more successful among us the ones we want breeding anyway?



If the government legally required that all men earn the same salary, that system would be described in a book called Das Kapital. And that's the marital system we're living under. Which isn't to say that I think a socialist society wouldn't be better. I'm just asking for a little internal consistency.

Polygamists of the world, throw off your chains.