The Left Coast Biased

I have said some fairly outrageous things in my time, I would be the first to admit. Well, Alan would probably be the first to admit it, readily seconded by a few others, but I do at least admit it. I will make claims, particularly about soccer, and wait for them to be disproven. Some of the more outrageous claims were truly indefensible. I once argued vehemently that David Beckham was better than Zinedine Zidane.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I was young and stupid.

I do believe in being as hyperbolic as possible, and taking as extreme a position as I can so that I find the most opposition. Generally, this results in a dialectic compromise along these lines: Becks is better than Zidane-> Zidane is the best player to ever lace up and Beckham isn't even good enough to start for the US-> Zidane is great, but Becks is a pretty good player in his own right, and at more than just set pieces. This team is the result of thousands of conversations along those lines, battered out over hundreds of pints and millions of minutes of football footage. This is the Absolutely, End-of-the-Conversation, Perfect Football team.

Keeper - Lev Yashin

I'll take the Black Spider, the only keeper to win European Footballer of the year, and his 150 penalty saves to lock up my net. He revolutionized the position, and had he played for a major club in Europe there would be no conversation here. There still isn't much of one.

Center Back - Franz Beckenbauer, Captain

Books have been written about the quality and elegance of Der Kaiser's game, but personally I just like the moxie of the 18 year old kid who got banned from the national team for declaring he had no intention of marrying his pregnant girlfriend. Ok, I like his game a little bit, too. Pretty much invented the libero, and could get forward from the central defense better than anyone.

I toyed with the idea of going Bill Russell here and running Franz as a player coach, as of all of the players on this team he is the only one who is nearly as accomplished off the field as he was on it. I settled for just giving him the armband. Even on this team of legends the tremendous weight of silverware that Beckenbauer took home while captaaining both club and country is truly impressive.

Center Back - Franco Baresi

While surrendering a bit of height here I like the idea of partnering Beckenbauer with a pacy center back who is comfortable solving problems on his own so I can really push my wing backs on. As a bonus, if Beckenbauer is not the the most tenacious man marker in the history of the game, then Baresi is. Between the two of them I could have the flexibility of switching between zone and man marking indiscriminately.

Right Back - Cafu

There are a few right backs who have the quality to play with this group, such as Santos, or Kaltz (there are even those who will voraciously defend the claim that Kaltz invented bending the ball, and that alone merits a place on this team), but I want to really get after the other team and no back has ever gotten forward with the eagerness and quality that Cafu did. He was a terror foraging down the wing.

Left Back - Paolo Maldini

Let me explain to you how this selection process worked in the hammering out of this team. Someone would throw out a position and in a matter of minutes a list of possible players would form, and be whittled away to the best for the way I wanted the team to play. Except at left back. At left back there was no list. There was just Maldini.

One thing we were sure of is that there was a spot for Maldini on this field, whether it was at holding mid, central defense, or out on the wing, but there was a spot. he could play at any of those positions, but the replacement player out on the wing would not be as high quality as the replacement players at any of the other positions, so here he is. Only two backs have ever won European Footballer of the Year twice, and with Beckenbauer and Maldini our back line boasts the pair of them.

Holding Midfielder - Steven Gerrard

This was the hardest position to field. Such is the quality of the attacking players on the pitch in front of him, all I want is a ball winner who can play out respectably. The quality and ferocity of Mattheus is hard to deny, and Makelele basically perfected this role, and Viera was the key to the attacking freedom of both Arsenal and France in the 90's, but this is my team and it had to be Gerrard.

As he has demonstrated over the years on the national team, Gerrard would be willing to defer to the brilliance around him. He is a terrifying tackler and has the biggest engine I have ever seen. Settled into this role, he would give us the freedom to go forward with what would in any other case be reckless abandon.

Attacking Midfielder - Zinedine Zidane

I have come a long way from the crowded bar where I first denigrated Zidane in favor of Beckham. I was ignorant. I have since put in the time. I watched the YouTube clips. I watched the Cup matches. I bootlegged the movie. Slowly, but somehow very suddenly, I fell in love, the way it suddenly dawns on the protagonist in a Hugh Grant film that they are madly in love with the very person they were trying so hard to despise. I loved his touch, his vision, his speed, but it might have been his temper that I loved the most. At the end of the day there is never any doubt that if one of the players on the other team puts a rough challenge on you Zidane is going to even the score. Maybe he just decks the guy. Maybe he puts both of his cleats directly through the guys knee. Either way.

Left Wing - Johan Cruyff

This was another position that I had a hard time with. My appreciation of Ryan Giggs has been noted. George Best is a hard man to leave off the field. Ronaldihno even had a pretty good case for a few years. At the end of the day, though, the most decorated European footballer in history has to be on this team and this is a great place for him to run at players with pace and serve.

Right Wing - Manuel Fransisco dos Santos, aka Garrincha"Little Bird"

The drinking and the partying and the not playing in Europe or America hurt the general appreciation of el Anjo de Pernas Tortas (the Angel with Bent Legs). With the deformed spine, legs of different shape and length, this dervish was so sought after that Inter, AC Milan, and Juventus tried to joint-sign him, having him spend a season with each, but Garrincha was content to stay at home. Through the '58 and '62 Cups Garrincha was arguably the best player in the tournament.

Striker - Diego Armondo Maradona

Sitting a little withdrawn behind his strike partner to better run at the defense, this could never be anyone but Maradona. All the headlines of the drug use, and the belligerence, and Hand of God could not take away the brilliance this man brought forth almost every single time he stepped on the field. Maradona might hold the record in any sport for number of times he made you literally catch you breath, waiting and wondering what he was going to do next. You could argue for years, as people have and will, whether he was the best to ever play the game, but I don't have to do that here. The team fields 11 players, so I get to have them both.

Striker - Edson Arantes do Nascimento, aka Pele

This is my favorite Pele moment: playing against Uruguay in '70 a ball is played through on the ground and Pele is in clear behind the defense. The keeper comes flying out at him and Pele just runs right over the ball, dummying it past the keeper who has no idea what has just happened and sits down in confusion to try and sort it out. The ball glides on to the keeper's left as Pele circles around his right to join it behind the keeper in front of an empty net, beating him without ever touching the ball. Then he missed the goal. And laughed.

Bench

The number of players who get left off this team is unfortunate, indeed. The few that we can squeeze in reserve roles are: Peter Schmeichel, Lothar Mattheus, Michel Platini, Alfredo Di Stefano, and George Best.


That's our team. Perfect. Speaking of perfect, here is the One Parlay to Rule Them All:
Ravens, Texans, Falcons, Packers, 49ers, Cardinals, Dolphins, Eagles, Seahawks, Saints, and the Steelers.

Some weeks are more frustrating than others. This was one such a week. On top of the being sick, and the not-catching-any-freaking-fish, and the being broke, and the car threatening to kick it for the final time any day now, my phone decided to take a break from the world of functionality. My phone serves as my alarm clock, so if I was supposed to wake up at 7 am to have breakfast with you, now you understand why I did not make it.

If you were wondering why I didn't call to explain and apologize, please see the previous paragraph.

My phone also serves as my internet connection, otherwise this would have been posted on Friday giving you all plenty of time to get on board with this week's One Parlay to Rule Them All. In case you were wondering who we went with (bold selections are officially endorsed by UA CatWrap), check out the inset.

In any event, weeks like this last one bring me to a place where little things that annoy me can push me over the top. The guy who doesn’t turn off his bright while riding inches off my tailpipe might get a Gatorade bottle off the windshield (which may or may not be filled with Gatorade). The kid who doesn’t understand offsides might get dragged into position by the throat, repeatedly.

The thing that really might get me to go Ted Kaczynski, though, is the public broadcasting of bodily functions. I have this thing. If it is produced within your body, be it liquid, solid or gaseous, then it should stay in your body around other people. Spitting (yes, sunflower seeds count, unless you are at a sporting event, and even then, you better be wearing pinstripes), belching, farting, coughing, whatever it is either go to the bathroom or hold it. When we are at the table I don’t want to hear you extricating your teeth from whatever sticky morsel you popped in, nor can I share your appreciation of a dish by your broadcasting it.

All of this to say, don’t be so gross. Keep it to yourself. It’s easy.

Given my particular disgust of this sort of thing, there is one place that is an absolute hell for me: multi-person restrooms. There is nothing worse that hearing the person next to you struggle heroically to evacuate his bowels, unless it is the projectile, splashing and gaseous sounds that accompany a success. I would rather take a nine hour flight with a colic ridden nursery.

This is why bathroom music is a life saver. It should be a federal law that if you have a multi-person restroom you should be obligated to provide music to avoid sharing moments where a person can’t turn off the lower fountain.

I am not talking about elevator music, though. I don’t want to hear you wax diuretic, but I am all in favor of making people uncomfortable in other ways. I would break the Greatest Bathroom Anthem List into the following categories for maximum awkwardness while still alleviating the unnecessary horror:

Creepy Stalker Songs

Imagine sitting down and hearing Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now. Do you get a little weirded out? Other songs that score high on the creep factor include: I Touch Myself, You Are Not Alone, Somebody’s Watching Me, and Clay Aiken’s stalker classic - Invisible.

Bathroom Suggestive Helpers

There are always times when we can use a little encouragement, and the john is no different. That’s where Tubthumping, Waterfall, and Push It come in handy. Looking out for you.

Britney Spears’ Category of songs that you can’t get out of your head with anything short of a shotgun, and you’re considering going there

This is just to be mean, but I would make at least half of the songs ones that will stick with you the rest of the day. Not cool ones like Wonderwall, but obnoxious songs like It’s a Small World, or the Song That Never Ends, the Macarena, Barbie Girl or anything from Britney’s first album.

If you have some other suggestions, we’d love to hear them. Hit up the comment box.

Labels: music, Society, sports

Urban Rodeo, also known as a moderately violent solution to the difficulty of meeting people in our contemporary society, is a time honored sport played by gentlemen and scholars. You might not know exactly what this sport entails, so here is a brief definitive history: Urban Rodeo was born on the classic British tv show 'Balls of Steel', and had the producers of which deigned to respond to our entreaties for endorsement this would be the Official Complete Guide to Urban Rodeo. As is, we would like to make clear that we are in no way affiliated with the show or parent company in question, nor does this post in any way represent the opinions of said companies. UR was then popularized on Youtube, and is defined by Urban Dictionary, that font of contemporary knowledge and wisdom, as jumping on a stranger's back and holding on as long as you can, which is marginally accurate. We are going to be a bit more detailed than that.

Their basic premise is sound: jumping, backs, strangers... Here is where we digress.

- only hold for 8 seconds
- add alcohol
- if they like it, it doesn't count

Apart from those baselines, for full value a proper rodeo grip is one arm going over the shoulder and locking under the opposite armpit, with legs equally locked by tucking one leg between the target's legs and behind the thigh. Feel free to be unnecessarily assertive in applying the leg lock (read: kick the target in his sensitiveness) if the target out weighs you by 15% or more, also known as the Dillabaugh Corollary. The hand not engaged in the arm pit lock is lifted above the head throwing up the UR hand sign - first two fingers crossed and third finger tucked, in a bastardization of the sign language for a U and an R.

Some other guidelines we recommend:

- only half credit for Rodeoing someone smaller than you, unless they work in the circus
- don't Rodeo pretty girls you don't know, they have boyfriends, this will end poorly
- avoid old people, not only do they break but landing on a walker is not pleasant, the are notoriously inflexible
- if the plaid:pinstripe or khaki:denim ratio exceeds 2:1, rodeo at your own risk (e.g. Oklahoma)

With that being said, here is our DISCLAIMER:

Urban Rodeo is not for the weak of heart. We don't just mean that all of you cowards should stay at home and play video games, but also those of you with a heart condition, or history of cardiac trouble in your family, or chest pain in general. Additionally, if you are pregnant or considering becoming pregnant, please consult your physician before attempting to Rodeo anything. While we feel like this should be self-evident, in lawsuits we trust, so we are hereby advising you to not try this at home. Realize the UR is about Throwing yourself on Strangers and trying to not get dropped on your head, the very premise of which constitutes sexual assault in 13 different states in the union. It is very likely that injuries will occur to either you or your target, in fact, that is kind of the allure. Accept the risk and Cowboy Up, but you were warned. Again, we strongly recommend not Rodeoing children, pregnant women or the senile, because if you break old man river's hip it is your own-damn-fault. We told you not to.

But, of course, if you do Urban Rodeo some clown in your local watering hole, have your buddy capture some video proof and we will throw it up here on the website for your eternal glory.

*additional warning: Urban Rodeo has been known to have side effects of increased self-confidence, feeling heroic, and generally being more awesome. These side effects can lead to other, unintended results, such as independent thought, asserting yourself, and growing a mustache, any and all of which can result in the immediate termination of your employment and/or personal relationships. So, again: you were warned.

We know that it has been more than a little while since we dropped any knowledge on you, so we decided to ease our way back into things with a mailbag. Unlike our last mailbag, these are all real questions from real people, who may or may not read our blog. Just like our last mailbag, however, this will also NOT be read by Bill Simmons and any of his future columns, regardless of any perceived similarities, were not inspired here.

Now we don't want you to think that we are just phoning this one in, so we are going to drop a cute little cypher on this post. Best of luck. For the lazy among our readership (which at last count was 92% of you) we will republish the uncypher in 3 days. And away we go!!

* Rqhpngvba vf na nqzvenoyr guvat. Ohg vg vf jryy gb erzrzore sebz gvzr gb gvzr gung abguvat gung vf jbegu xabjvat pna or gnhtug.

* Gur Ratyvfu ner nyjnlf qrtenqvat gehguf vagb snpgf. Jura n gehgu orpbzrf n snpg vg ybfrf nyy vgf vagryyrpghny inyhr.

* Vg vf n irel fnq guvat gung abjnqnlf gurer vf fb yvggyr hfryrff vasbezngvba.

* Gur bayl yvax orgjrra Yvgrengher naq gur Qenzn yrsg gb hf va Ratynaq ng gur cerfrag zbzrag vf gur ovyy bs gur cynl.

* Va byq qnlf obbxf jrer jevggra ol zra bs yrggref naq ernq ol gur choyvp. Abjnqnlf obbxf ner jevggra ol gur choyvp naq ernq ol abobql.

* Sevraqfuvc vf sne zber gentvp guna ybir. Vg ynfgf ybatre.

* Neg vf gur bayl frevbhf guvat va gur jbeyq. Naq gur negvfg vf gur bayl crefba jub vf arire frevbhf.

* Gb or ernyyl zrqvriny bar fubhyq unir ab obql. Gb or ernyyl zbqrea bar fubhyq unir ab fbhy. Gb or ernyyl Terrx bar fubhyq unir ab pybgurf.

* Rira gur qvfpvcyr unf uvf hfrf. Ur fgnaqf oruvaq bar'f guebar, naq ng gur zbzrag bs bar'f gevhzcu juvfcref va bar'f rne gung, nsgre nyy, bar vf vzzbegny.

* Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat cbbe vf rkgenintnapr. Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat evpu vf rpbabzl.

* Gubfr jubz gur tbqf ybir tebj lbhat.

* Nzovgvba vf gur ynfg ershtr bs gur snvyher.

Ok, just kidding. That actually had nothing to do with our post, I just like playing with cyphers. That was just a collection of wisdom from the illustrious Oscar Wilde, peruse at your leisure. On to the mailbag.

Dear Left Coast Biased, Where the crap are you?!?

Patiently,
Alli

LCB: Fair question. The short answer is that we took the summer off and enjoyed our downtime so much that we ran it on through the fall. The longer answer is that we have collectively faced many decisions and crises on a life altering scale. A sampling: Alan got a job, I lost a job; Alan grew a beard, I shaved; Alan hit his one year anniversary, I got single; Alan finished school, I went back. Between us we abused 14 different states and 3 countries. There was one night involving a troll, two Russians, several crimes of varying severity, and a midget attack, but that is a story for another time. In any event we took advantage of our months away from you to load up on fodder for your enjoyment and edification.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

Who do you think was the best player to come through the Arizona basketball program? Any thoughts?

Crazy for Cats

LCB: Of course we have thoughts! Half of us spend at least 3.14% of our time thinking about this exact thing. The other half tried to think about this from the ASU point of view but it only took him four seconds to say James Hardin and then he moved on.

First thought: If you went with anyone other than Sean Elliot then you are being fooled by chronological proximity. He is the end of the conversation. Google some clips.

Second thought: A much more enjoyable question is who would be your all time UA starting 5. The talent pool is so deep and guard weighted the a consensus is impossible. Let's say that I give you free choice of your entire 5 and then would still be able to drop a team on you that you are terrified of. Say you take Bibby, Kerr, Elliot, Wright and Woods (arguably the best we have had at each position). How confident would you be if I rolled out Damon, Terry, Jefferson, Reeves, and Brian Williams? What if I throw in Arenas and Iguodala off the bench? You question yourself more than a little. The real winner in this game is all of us Wildcats. Now be a good boy and don't forget to thank God for Sean Miller in your prayers tonight.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

Would it be safe to say that Leonardo DiCaprio is the Drew Breeze of the acting world? Everyone kind of thought he was good but it might have been the supporting cast (Depp in Gilbert Grape, Cameron in Titanic) then he moves on and you realize that he might be one of the best of his generation?

Tom

LCB: Great call. here are some other parallels that leap to mind:

• Ricky Williams - Super hyped and does pretty well for himself for a little while before going absolutely crazy then realizing that no one actually likes crazy and slowly working back to a more mild mediocrity= Tom Cruise. (Sidenote: here is our prediction that in 3-5 years Cruise will slowly try to shift back to being human and will settle comfortably into Aging Harrison Ford roles)
• Manny Ramirez - First you notice that he is crazy good, then you start to think that maybe he is just crazy, talking in aphorisms and the hair add going for steroids after the testing was full bore, but then he reminds you how crazy good he is in LA and he spends the rest of his career dancing back and forth over the Rodman line= Jonny Depp.
• Jeff Garcia - You guess that he has to be pretty good because he keeps getting work EVERYWHERE and every now and then you even like what he's doing= Morgan Freeman.
• Barry Bonds - Look, he was good before, really good, and maybe we didn't appreciate him enough, but the quality of work that he has produced since getting artificially swelled has been nothing short of phenomenal so we don't even care abot the cheating or the aging. We will even forgive him the little bit of crazy= Angelina Jolie.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

It seems like all you ever talk about is sports. Don't you guys ever think about politics, religion, or anything in any way substantial or at all relevant to everyday life?

Ashley

LCB: No. But please tune in next week as we discuss the art of diverting every conversation to a sports topic, highlighted by the illustration of North Carolina's Women's Soccer program as the equivalent of the Israeli/Pakistani conflict.

Dear Left Coast Biased,


I have been playing fantasy football avidly for years now and I find myself enjoying the watching of actual football games less and less. Last week I even found myself rooting against my favorite team so that my fantasy defense could put me over the top. Any advice?

Pittsburgher

LCB: We empathize completely. There are 3 things we recommend to return to your blissful Sundays of yore. All of them operate from the basic principle that football is essentially a team sport and the chief infringement of fantasy football on the game is the reduction of the team to a mere collection of individuals. Listed in order of preference, here are your options as we see it:

#3 - In next year's fantasy draft shamelessly embrace the role of That Guy, drafting Roethlisberger, Mendenhall, Ward, Miller and the Steeler's D, obstreperously defending your picks with "not trusting" Super Star X and that this is (certain Steeler player's) year. Just do it. You will enjoy the season more. And for the record, by That Guy, I mean my sister.

#2 - Surrender to your degenerate nature and embrace sports gambling (in states where legal, or online). Rediscover the joy of team sports by dropping financially sound amounts of money on the team of your choosing week in and week out. You can heighten your appreciation of the entire Sunday by joining our collaboration with UA Cat Wrap in a weekly One Parlay to Rule Them All: a 12 team parlay paying off at 2500:1. This week's OPRTA - KC +6.5 , Texans +5.5, Pitt -14, Vikes -3, Jags -10, GB -14, Philly -14, Cards +3, Jets -10, Pats -9.5, ATL -3, and the Broncos +4. For those of you more timid of heart and wallet you can drop the two that increase your pucker factor the most and tease it, adding 6 points across the board and only dropping your odds to 25:1.

#1 Option for Rediscovering the Joy of America's Game: FLUID FANTASY FOOTBALL! You and your friends each pick a team in a given game to support (even contests you split between the two evenly, lopsided games everyone goes with the underdog). the game works along the lines of fantasy football, except points are awarded for team performance and points correspond to the opposing team drinking. A quick run down of our points system:

• kickoff return < yards =" 1">
• kickoff return > 35 yards = 1 drink for kicking team
• 20 yard offensive play = 1 drink for the defending team
• 1st down = 1 drink for the defending team
• Touchdown = 5 drinks for defending team
• PTA = 1 drink for defending team
• Turnover = 5 drinks for offensive team
  
• Defensive touchdown = full beer for offensive team
• 50 yard field goal = 3 drinks for defensive team
• Successful challenge = 3 drinks for challenging team
• Unsuccessful challenge = 5 drinks for challenging team
• 15 yard penalty (pass interference, roughing, unnecessary roughness, etc.) = 1 drink for non-penalized team for being a pansy
• Loss of yards = 1 drink for the offensive team

Special Rules

• Quarter break = everyone drinks .25 of a beer
• Halftime = everyone .5 of a beer
• Each team picks a specific commercial, whenever it shows the other team drinks 1 drink
  
• Beer commercial, everyone drinks 1 drink
• Commercial of the beer you are drinking = 1 drink for every time they mention the name of the beer
• At halftime you can negotiate for trades of either commercials or teams
  
• Team that wins the football game pays for the drinks

Feel free to make up your own rules and send them back to us here! That's all we have for today, it's good to be back.

Labels: sports

Let's be honest. Break-ups are unpleasant. Relationships by nature don't end well; if things were that amicable between the two of you then things wouldn't have ended in the first place. This, however, is not the travesty that popular teen magazines and soap operas would make it out to be. Too many of us shy away from sensational experiences, even good ones, out of fear or a lack of imagination. To shelve a philosophical conversation for a later date, let me just assert that the experience of real, intense emotion is one of the most rare and valuable experiences granted to those of us on this mortal coil and should be treasured, regardless of the polarity of the experience. So with no further ado, here are some tips to help you maximize the emotional experience of your next break up, both for yourself and everyone around you:

Engage Emotionally in the Relationship

This is the first and scariest necessity for having an absolute screamer of a break-up. It is difficult to give yourself over emotionally to another person, but without you investing the trust and vulnerability into the relationship your partner will not give themselves over to it, which will result in a relationship that neither one of you really cares about. That means neither one of you will really be that upset when it ends. Here is some advice for taking steps to engage yourself emotionally in a relationship:

• Imagine a life filled with all of the things that you like about your partner. Picture yourself living that life and try to mentally equate that image to living with the other person.
• Share experiences with them that you have never had before and enjoy, because then that feeling of joy will forever be psychologically tied to that person (e.g. - your first kiss, first marriage, first monster truck rally...)
• Give them gifts that you really want to keep for yourself, as this will tie you emotionally to this item which will transfer to the person you gave it to ( e.g. - jewelry, poems that you wrote, or the Liverpool scarf that you bought the first time you went overseas)

Get it Right the First Time (in person)

Nothing is more annoying to your loved ones than having to hear all about your break-up with John Soandso for the eighth time this year. The First Time is a seminal experience that evokes sympathy and pity and in some cases retributive anger. Every time after that your cousin, sister, best friend, or rebound guy is going to be bored with the same story and annoyed at your stupidity for falling into the same story when everyone already knew how this one ends.

In a related note, cowboy up and do the deed in person. We live in a time when you can have entire relationships via IM, text, email, etc., in fact several websites make quite a lot of money based precisely upon that proposition, but if you really want to dig into the emotional landmark that is the break up, put yourself in a chair and say it to their face, even if it is the only time in the relationship when you actually meet face to face. If you can get her to scream at you amidst a crowded coffee shop that you were the worst thing that ever happened to her and she wishes that she had never met you, all the better, but more on that to come.

The guideline of getting it right the first time is the one that comes with the biggest caveat, which is this: if you are going to put everyone around you through the sequel of an already tired story then you better step up the quality, the way that Chronicles of Riddick seriously upped the ante on Pitch Black. The best way to do that is to have a relatively tame initial break up and then incorporate one or more of the following tips into the subsequent iterations. to be clear, though, our recommendation is still that you go for gold and get it all in the first time around. The counter argument to this theory is that if you can get the same person to lower all their considerable emotional defenses after crushing them a first time then the fallout is so much greater as to be worth the redundancies. I think we have made our position clear, but the final choice is up to you.

Involve as Many Other People as Possible

This is the Multiplication Theory of Emotional Distress, expounded in several famous maxims. C.S. Lewis put a positive spin on the theory when he claimed that a joy was not complete until you shared or explained it to someone else, as teenage girls around the world have since proved, ad nauseum. The negative corollary is that misery loves company.

The most straightforward means of accomplishing this, and the least rewarding is to simply bitch to all your friends incessantly for the four months immediately following the break up. A much more satisfying modus operandi is to actually force your loved ones into having an emotional stake of their own in the relationship. The most productive means of accomplishing this are as follows:

• Tightly intertwine your social circles so that in the aftermath you get to enjoy the debacle of sorting out which friends go with whom. I would suggest an arbitrary system of division, such as lining them up tallest to shortest and assigning them to alternate teams like when you would divide up teams for the elementerary tether ball tournaments.
  
• Spend a lot of time with each respective family. This will ensure that every time that you show up at a family gathering, after the requisite integration about your current love life you will get the "You never should have let go of that one girl. What was her name? She was so nice" In addition to this, if the significant other's family happens to be a major player in any noteworthy field of work then you can ensure yourself reduced employment opportunities for the rest of your life.
• The hands down best method of maximizing the emotional trauma is to procreate, because then you get a permanent physical reminder of what a terrible decision dating this person in the first place was. The emotion fallout has the potential to reverberate for decades if the guy turns out to be a complete douche bag who would rather waste his life playing World of Warcraft than getting up off his pathetic ass to get a job and support his child, resulting in an abandonment where he doesn't even have the stones to run away from the problem, he just lounges about in impotent laziness waiting for a deity or his parents to take care of the problem (as he sees the child) for him. Needless to say this can also get complete strangers emotionally engaged in your break up as a bonus.

Move on as Quickly as Possible

Unlike the rest of these points, this one really works only if one of you follows it. If you both move on then it completely nullifies any possible trauma, kind of indicating that the initial relationship never really meant anything after all. I mean, just like every other aspect of life we can take our cue from Hollywood here. How much less interesting would Brad and Jennifer's break up be if they both would have immediately moved on to a ridiculously happy, popular and procreative (both physiologically and professionally) relationship? instead we get to deal with Jennifer's jealousy, inadequacy, and insecurities for the next 5 years. This is so very much more emotionally ripe than an immediate recovery on both ends.

For maximum emotional damage try to overlap the rebound relationship with the current relationship. This will heighten the feelings of worthlessness on their part and betrayal on yours. These feelings can be further amplified if the subsequent relationship is a mutual acquaintance, or better yet friend, of the both of you. Then the former future Mrs. Soandso can be reminded of her failure every time she sees the two of you at the frequent shared social engagements, and whenever another mutual friend mentions either one of you. If you really want to salt the wound, switch gender preferences altogether. "My girlfriend left me for another guy" - painful. "Because I am such an incompetent representation of the entire gender, my girlfriend has given up on men altogether" - debilitating.

Go for Glory

This is the final, and easily the most critical, of the tips we have for getting the most emotional mileage out of your break up. go for the movie scene quality moment. Look for a story, experience, anecdote, line, or moment that embodies all of the frustrations and excitements of the relationship and its ending. Rehearse this moment over and again so you can share it with ease. be sure that it is a moment that forces the conflict on the listener: make them confront their desire to cheer you on and despise you at the same time. The essence of any break up is the polarizing nature of the two viewpoints. Yours should be an example which allows the listener the opportunity to engage in both sides of the issue. this will enable you to continue telling the story and stretching and spreading the emotional distress of the break up for years and years. Here are some examples of types of moments to look for:

• The public disturbance: the bigger the better. Everyone can share in the monstrosity that is a person screaming obscenities in a Starbucks at the top of their lungs, and the more of your friends that are there for the moment, the more of a group experience the storytelling actually becomes.
• In a related note, the more physical, the better: if you can incite her to attack you, running screaming across the room in a Braveheart charge, threatening the kind of physical violence that can only be responded to by a side volley into the wall, a threat of immenent death and her arrest, then you have succesfully birthed a story of infinite retale value.
  
• The epic one liner. Scene: she stands crying in the rain, clinging to you, going on about how she knows it won't change anything but she just wants to hold on to every last moment she can have with you and you grab her, hold her at arm's length and say, "Shh. Stop it. You're embarassing yourself." And you turn and walk away without looking back. This is the kind of moment that lives on in retelling.

Addendum 1 (the Disclaimer): All the illustrations above are drawn from real life, solely for the purpose of entertaining, not for that of wounding the participants, with the exception of the jibe at the douche bag abandoning his child. You are a Captian of douche bags and deserve to be wounded, emotionally and physically, but if an obscure henchman-looking individual should accost you in an alley and beat you within an inch of your life in the near future, then I would like to state for the record that said individual is not known to me, nor did I procure the entirely illicit services of said individual, and niether do I condone such behavior. The poison oak sent to your hospital room? That was me.

Addendum 2: If, in the event that you are a coward, and you would like to have as painless of a break up as possible simply pursue the inverse of the steps listed above, though whether you could really call it a relationship if you did not engage emotionally, didn't introduce them to your family and friends, and come out without a single story of note is an entirely different story. You would have to take that up with my high school 'Girlfriend'.

Addendum 3: This post was brought to you by Coheed and Cambria, and by GENESIS, an excellent 2004 Merlot by Hogue Cellars out of Washington state.

Labels: personal, relationships