The Left Coast Biased

Some weeks are more frustrating than others. This was one such a week. On top of the being sick, and the not-catching-any-freaking-fish, and the being broke, and the car threatening to kick it for the final time any day now, my phone decided to take a break from the world of functionality. My phone serves as my alarm clock, so if I was supposed to wake up at 7 am to have breakfast with you, now you understand why I did not make it.

If you were wondering why I didn't call to explain and apologize, please see the previous paragraph.

My phone also serves as my internet connection, otherwise this would have been posted on Friday giving you all plenty of time to get on board with this week's One Parlay to Rule Them All. In case you were wondering who we went with (bold selections are officially endorsed by UA CatWrap), check out the inset.

In any event, weeks like this last one bring me to a place where little things that annoy me can push me over the top. The guy who doesn’t turn off his bright while riding inches off my tailpipe might get a Gatorade bottle off the windshield (which may or may not be filled with Gatorade). The kid who doesn’t understand offsides might get dragged into position by the throat, repeatedly.

The thing that really might get me to go Ted Kaczynski, though, is the public broadcasting of bodily functions. I have this thing. If it is produced within your body, be it liquid, solid or gaseous, then it should stay in your body around other people. Spitting (yes, sunflower seeds count, unless you are at a sporting event, and even then, you better be wearing pinstripes), belching, farting, coughing, whatever it is either go to the bathroom or hold it. When we are at the table I don’t want to hear you extricating your teeth from whatever sticky morsel you popped in, nor can I share your appreciation of a dish by your broadcasting it.

All of this to say, don’t be so gross. Keep it to yourself. It’s easy.

Given my particular disgust of this sort of thing, there is one place that is an absolute hell for me: multi-person restrooms. There is nothing worse that hearing the person next to you struggle heroically to evacuate his bowels, unless it is the projectile, splashing and gaseous sounds that accompany a success. I would rather take a nine hour flight with a colic ridden nursery.

This is why bathroom music is a life saver. It should be a federal law that if you have a multi-person restroom you should be obligated to provide music to avoid sharing moments where a person can’t turn off the lower fountain.

I am not talking about elevator music, though. I don’t want to hear you wax diuretic, but I am all in favor of making people uncomfortable in other ways. I would break the Greatest Bathroom Anthem List into the following categories for maximum awkwardness while still alleviating the unnecessary horror:

Creepy Stalker Songs

Imagine sitting down and hearing Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now. Do you get a little weirded out? Other songs that score high on the creep factor include: I Touch Myself, You Are Not Alone, Somebody’s Watching Me, and Clay Aiken’s stalker classic - Invisible.

Bathroom Suggestive Helpers

There are always times when we can use a little encouragement, and the john is no different. That’s where Tubthumping, Waterfall, and Push It come in handy. Looking out for you.

Britney Spears’ Category of songs that you can’t get out of your head with anything short of a shotgun, and you’re considering going there

This is just to be mean, but I would make at least half of the songs ones that will stick with you the rest of the day. Not cool ones like Wonderwall, but obnoxious songs like It’s a Small World, or the Song That Never Ends, the Macarena, Barbie Girl or anything from Britney’s first album.

If you have some other suggestions, we’d love to hear them. Hit up the comment box.

Labels: music, Society, sports

We know that it has been more than a little while since we dropped any knowledge on you, so we decided to ease our way back into things with a mailbag. Unlike our last mailbag, these are all real questions from real people, who may or may not read our blog. Just like our last mailbag, however, this will also NOT be read by Bill Simmons and any of his future columns, regardless of any perceived similarities, were not inspired here.

Now we don't want you to think that we are just phoning this one in, so we are going to drop a cute little cypher on this post. Best of luck. For the lazy among our readership (which at last count was 92% of you) we will republish the uncypher in 3 days. And away we go!!

* Rqhpngvba vf na nqzvenoyr guvat. Ohg vg vf jryy gb erzrzore sebz gvzr gb gvzr gung abguvat gung vf jbegu xabjvat pna or gnhtug.

* Gur Ratyvfu ner nyjnlf qrtenqvat gehguf vagb snpgf. Jura n gehgu orpbzrf n snpg vg ybfrf nyy vgf vagryyrpghny inyhr.

* Vg vf n irel fnq guvat gung abjnqnlf gurer vf fb yvggyr hfryrff vasbezngvba.

* Gur bayl yvax orgjrra Yvgrengher naq gur Qenzn yrsg gb hf va Ratynaq ng gur cerfrag zbzrag vf gur ovyy bs gur cynl.

* Va byq qnlf obbxf jrer jevggra ol zra bs yrggref naq ernq ol gur choyvp. Abjnqnlf obbxf ner jevggra ol gur choyvp naq ernq ol abobql.

* Sevraqfuvc vf sne zber gentvp guna ybir. Vg ynfgf ybatre.

* Neg vf gur bayl frevbhf guvat va gur jbeyq. Naq gur negvfg vf gur bayl crefba jub vf arire frevbhf.

* Gb or ernyyl zrqvriny bar fubhyq unir ab obql. Gb or ernyyl zbqrea bar fubhyq unir ab fbhy. Gb or ernyyl Terrx bar fubhyq unir ab pybgurf.

* Rira gur qvfpvcyr unf uvf hfrf. Ur fgnaqf oruvaq bar'f guebar, naq ng gur zbzrag bs bar'f gevhzcu juvfcref va bar'f rne gung, nsgre nyy, bar vf vzzbegny.

* Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat cbbe vf rkgenintnapr. Gur bayl guvat gung pna pbafbyr bar sbe orvat evpu vf rpbabzl.

* Gubfr jubz gur tbqf ybir tebj lbhat.

* Nzovgvba vf gur ynfg ershtr bs gur snvyher.

Ok, just kidding. That actually had nothing to do with our post, I just like playing with cyphers. That was just a collection of wisdom from the illustrious Oscar Wilde, peruse at your leisure. On to the mailbag.

Dear Left Coast Biased, Where the crap are you?!?

Patiently,
Alli

LCB: Fair question. The short answer is that we took the summer off and enjoyed our downtime so much that we ran it on through the fall. The longer answer is that we have collectively faced many decisions and crises on a life altering scale. A sampling: Alan got a job, I lost a job; Alan grew a beard, I shaved; Alan hit his one year anniversary, I got single; Alan finished school, I went back. Between us we abused 14 different states and 3 countries. There was one night involving a troll, two Russians, several crimes of varying severity, and a midget attack, but that is a story for another time. In any event we took advantage of our months away from you to load up on fodder for your enjoyment and edification.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

Who do you think was the best player to come through the Arizona basketball program? Any thoughts?

Crazy for Cats

LCB: Of course we have thoughts! Half of us spend at least 3.14% of our time thinking about this exact thing. The other half tried to think about this from the ASU point of view but it only took him four seconds to say James Hardin and then he moved on.

First thought: If you went with anyone other than Sean Elliot then you are being fooled by chronological proximity. He is the end of the conversation. Google some clips.

Second thought: A much more enjoyable question is who would be your all time UA starting 5. The talent pool is so deep and guard weighted the a consensus is impossible. Let's say that I give you free choice of your entire 5 and then would still be able to drop a team on you that you are terrified of. Say you take Bibby, Kerr, Elliot, Wright and Woods (arguably the best we have had at each position). How confident would you be if I rolled out Damon, Terry, Jefferson, Reeves, and Brian Williams? What if I throw in Arenas and Iguodala off the bench? You question yourself more than a little. The real winner in this game is all of us Wildcats. Now be a good boy and don't forget to thank God for Sean Miller in your prayers tonight.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

Would it be safe to say that Leonardo DiCaprio is the Drew Breeze of the acting world? Everyone kind of thought he was good but it might have been the supporting cast (Depp in Gilbert Grape, Cameron in Titanic) then he moves on and you realize that he might be one of the best of his generation?

Tom

LCB: Great call. here are some other parallels that leap to mind:

• Ricky Williams - Super hyped and does pretty well for himself for a little while before going absolutely crazy then realizing that no one actually likes crazy and slowly working back to a more mild mediocrity= Tom Cruise. (Sidenote: here is our prediction that in 3-5 years Cruise will slowly try to shift back to being human and will settle comfortably into Aging Harrison Ford roles)
• Manny Ramirez - First you notice that he is crazy good, then you start to think that maybe he is just crazy, talking in aphorisms and the hair add going for steroids after the testing was full bore, but then he reminds you how crazy good he is in LA and he spends the rest of his career dancing back and forth over the Rodman line= Jonny Depp.
• Jeff Garcia - You guess that he has to be pretty good because he keeps getting work EVERYWHERE and every now and then you even like what he's doing= Morgan Freeman.
• Barry Bonds - Look, he was good before, really good, and maybe we didn't appreciate him enough, but the quality of work that he has produced since getting artificially swelled has been nothing short of phenomenal so we don't even care abot the cheating or the aging. We will even forgive him the little bit of crazy= Angelina Jolie.

Dear Left Coast Biased,

It seems like all you ever talk about is sports. Don't you guys ever think about politics, religion, or anything in any way substantial or at all relevant to everyday life?

Ashley

LCB: No. But please tune in next week as we discuss the art of diverting every conversation to a sports topic, highlighted by the illustration of North Carolina's Women's Soccer program as the equivalent of the Israeli/Pakistani conflict.

Dear Left Coast Biased,


I have been playing fantasy football avidly for years now and I find myself enjoying the watching of actual football games less and less. Last week I even found myself rooting against my favorite team so that my fantasy defense could put me over the top. Any advice?

Pittsburgher

LCB: We empathize completely. There are 3 things we recommend to return to your blissful Sundays of yore. All of them operate from the basic principle that football is essentially a team sport and the chief infringement of fantasy football on the game is the reduction of the team to a mere collection of individuals. Listed in order of preference, here are your options as we see it:

#3 - In next year's fantasy draft shamelessly embrace the role of That Guy, drafting Roethlisberger, Mendenhall, Ward, Miller and the Steeler's D, obstreperously defending your picks with "not trusting" Super Star X and that this is (certain Steeler player's) year. Just do it. You will enjoy the season more. And for the record, by That Guy, I mean my sister.

#2 - Surrender to your degenerate nature and embrace sports gambling (in states where legal, or online). Rediscover the joy of team sports by dropping financially sound amounts of money on the team of your choosing week in and week out. You can heighten your appreciation of the entire Sunday by joining our collaboration with UA Cat Wrap in a weekly One Parlay to Rule Them All: a 12 team parlay paying off at 2500:1. This week's OPRTA - KC +6.5 , Texans +5.5, Pitt -14, Vikes -3, Jags -10, GB -14, Philly -14, Cards +3, Jets -10, Pats -9.5, ATL -3, and the Broncos +4. For those of you more timid of heart and wallet you can drop the two that increase your pucker factor the most and tease it, adding 6 points across the board and only dropping your odds to 25:1.

#1 Option for Rediscovering the Joy of America's Game: FLUID FANTASY FOOTBALL! You and your friends each pick a team in a given game to support (even contests you split between the two evenly, lopsided games everyone goes with the underdog). the game works along the lines of fantasy football, except points are awarded for team performance and points correspond to the opposing team drinking. A quick run down of our points system:

• kickoff return < yards =" 1">
• kickoff return > 35 yards = 1 drink for kicking team
• 20 yard offensive play = 1 drink for the defending team
• 1st down = 1 drink for the defending team
• Touchdown = 5 drinks for defending team
• PTA = 1 drink for defending team
• Turnover = 5 drinks for offensive team
  
• Defensive touchdown = full beer for offensive team
• 50 yard field goal = 3 drinks for defensive team
• Successful challenge = 3 drinks for challenging team
• Unsuccessful challenge = 5 drinks for challenging team
• 15 yard penalty (pass interference, roughing, unnecessary roughness, etc.) = 1 drink for non-penalized team for being a pansy
• Loss of yards = 1 drink for the offensive team

Special Rules

• Quarter break = everyone drinks .25 of a beer
• Halftime = everyone .5 of a beer
• Each team picks a specific commercial, whenever it shows the other team drinks 1 drink
  
• Beer commercial, everyone drinks 1 drink
• Commercial of the beer you are drinking = 1 drink for every time they mention the name of the beer
• At halftime you can negotiate for trades of either commercials or teams
  
• Team that wins the football game pays for the drinks

Feel free to make up your own rules and send them back to us here! That's all we have for today, it's good to be back.

Labels: sports

In 1990 the two best players in the World were Lothar Matthaus and Diego Maradona. In the ’90 World Cup West Germany, Yugoslavia, and Czechoslovakia all advanced to the quarter finals, with With Germany taking home the cup. International superstars David Beckham and Ronaldo had yet to make their entrance on the senior stage, but a young Welshman named Ryan Giggs made was introduced to the world in his debut for Manchester United.

In the 19 years that have passed since then, Matthaus and Maradona have either faded into obscurity or flamed into infamy. West Germany, Yugoslavia, and Czechoslovakia no longer exist, and Beckham and Ronaldo are languishing on mediocre teams in second or third tier leagues. Giggs, on the other hand, is still starting for arguably the best team on the planet and is on the short list for the World Player of the Year.

The chips are stacked against a player being able to play at a high level for this long, now more than ever. The game is faster, the players are larger and more athletic, top players will end up playing many more games over the course of a season, what with international duty, the league cup, charity tournaments and European competitions, as Giggs has turned in over 800 senior level appearances, almost 200 more than another famous Welshman Ian Rush and his renowned mustache, and all of Giggs’ have been at the highest level. Rush, whose senior career spanned two more years than Giggs’ has to date, included spells at such illustrious clubs as Chester City, Wrexham, and Sydney Olympic.

In addition to growing into perhaps the finest left winger in the history of the game with his tremendous work rate, technical ability and raw speed, Giggs has also spent the last 19 years gathering more awards and honors than another player in United history. This last year he has smoothly transitioned from the position he has practically defined out on the wing to a central role directing the attack from behind the strikers. In fact, just about the only thing that Ryan Giggs hasn’t done is answer the question of why some players age with such grace and others, and the list is long, disappear behind the haze of injury, revelry, and most inevitably, age itself (see: Michael Owen, Ronaldinho, and Alan Shearer).

On behalf of the footballing public, I would like to offer thanks to Ryan Giggs for all that he has done for the sport, for his selfless loyalty to his club, for his dazzling runs down the wing, for never making headlines for off the field antics, and for giving the rest of us a reason to watch United, despite however we may feel towards the team on the whole. Thank you, Ryan Giggs. It has been a pleasure.

Labels: sports

This was supposed to be finished and posted last night, but due to artistic differences with my editor we couldn't get it out before the release of the selections. As a result, there will be a short addendum at the end addressing the selection.



First and foremost, I would like to relate that the illustrious and
redoubtable Bill Simmons , that paragon of virtue and humor, the height
of internet sports writing, has made it very clear that he has never
been to our blog, that he has no intention of going to our blog, that
he has been writing his stories such as the Super Bowl Diary for over a
decade, that he would not deign steal such puerile and trivial ideas as
may be portrayed in such a blog, and that the suggestion that any of
the above should not be the case is neither absurdly humorous, nor
grounds for interrupting his precious work hours with a facetious email
in that vein. I would at this point apologize, but given his avowal of
non-readership it would seem to be supererogatory. Plus, I seem to have
gotten my tongue stuck in my cheek. On to the thoughts of the hour.



The University of Arizona's basketball program sits balanced on the edge of a quarter. Quarter? As in 25? As in consecutive tournament appearances? Just wanted to make sure everyone at home was playing along. For the last few years the program has been mired in mediocrity, making headlines only when a coach got divorced, had a stroke, was announced as the successor, was fired from being the successor, retired, came out of retirement or was filmed naked running through the campus. Ok, maybe that last one didn't happen. In any event, almost all of the news coming from Tucson has been underscoring the demise of a truly great basketball program. I have already gone over what that feels like for us fans, here. One of the things that I think is sad about this slow and painful descent into obscurity is that we forget exactly how great the Wildcats have been.



So I bundled up in my favorite UA sweats and forayed into the World Wide Web to quantify our greatness. 600 wins over the 24 seasons, more than UCLA, less than Duke... Why doesn't UNLV have their record posted anywhere in the whole of the internet? 14 All-Americans, more than UNLV and UCLA added together, double what UConn had... How did both Richard Jefferson and Gilbert Arenas not make even a third team? Only the one title... Blast it all, this confounded interweb is like the mother of all haystacks and I'm trying to find a whole bunch of needles to compare thier lengths. Why couldn't someone just bundle all the information I'm looking for together in a neat and tidy package?



Oh wait, they did. ESPN has given us an accounting of the relative brilliance of all of college basketball by counting down the most prestigious programs in the country since the 84-85 season. They picked that year because it was the first season that the NCAA tournament field expanded to 64 teams, but by happy coincidence it is also the year that the Wildcats began their Streak of tournament appearances. Behind such gaudy numbers as 21 conference titles, 22 20-win seasons, 24 NCAA berths (the only school to make it every year since the expansion), 5 No. 1 seeds, 11 Sweet 16s, 4 Final Fours, 1997 national title, 39 NCAA tourney wins,
14 All-Americans, 7 NBA top-10 picks, with 0 losing seasons ESPN rates UA as the 5th most prestigious school in the country. Ahhh, that's about right. We are far enough behind Kentucky that even if the refferees weren't wearing Devil Blue in '01 and if the '05 Elite Eight game had been played on a nuetral court we would still be sitting at 5.

While such hypoteticals as exactly how much Duke boosters paid the referees, or how many generations of their descendents were promised tuition waivers, are academic and fruitless, There are some hypothetical conversations that serve to nurture the memory of these great teams, of all of those years that everyone in Tucson eagerly awaited the printing of the brackets every March so they could write ARIZONA in the center box and then fill out the rest of the minutiae. I had one such conversation while sitting in a bar with a friend of mine over a year ago. The gist of the conversation was a spin on the classic question of which of these teams was 'The Best' to wear the red and blue, but more particularly, in a single elimination tournament which team would win, as head to head is always the standard for true comparison. How would the the brilliant backcourt of the '97 team fare against the size we brought to the court in '03? The buddy I was having this conversation with happened to be with one Steve Rivera, sports writer for the now defunct Tucson Citizen paper. He put the idea together in a brilliant, interactive online article which everyone enjoyed and for reasons that escape me is no longer on their website. Kinda like the way that Fox cancels only their most popular shows. Given that I can't redirect you to his more thouroughly researched and professoinally written article, I am going to attempt to not recreate it, but rather creat it anew here for you, in the spirit of celebrating the fading light of the Wildcats as we stand on the brink of the end of an era, with Selection Sunday looming ominously on the morrow.

The seeding of this Streak Tourney was established first by NCAA finish, making the '97 team the first overall seed, and then by record making the '87 team the bottom 6 seed. as 24 doesn't break as evenly into a tournament bracket as you might hope, 1 and 2 seeds got a first round bye, with 3-6 and 4-5 being the opening matchups. We will deal with the line up that played in the most games, so Gilbert Arenas would be in for the '01 team, but Steve Kerr would still be out for the team in '87 after blowing his knee in the summer. So, with no further ado:


1 Seeds -

1997 - The team that failed to string together 6 consecutive victories all year burned through the tournament, famously being the only team in the tournament's history to best three 1 seeds en route to the title. Mike Bibby and Miles Simon, All-Americans and future NBA and Euroleague stars, respectively, featured prominently in the team's success, and Michael Dickerson led the scoring, averaging almost 19 points a game.

2001 - We got robbed. I refuse to accept anything other than horrendous bribing, blackmail, or dark satanic magic as the explanation for the officiating in the final 3 minutes of this game. This is the roster we put on the court that year: Loren Woods (All-American), Richard Jefferson (NBA All-Star), Gilbert Arenas (NBA All-Star), Michael Wright (All-American), Jason Gardener (All-American), with future All-American and likely NBA champion Luke Walton coming off the bench.

1988 - The class that thrust the Wildcats into the national conversation for the next 20 years built around Sean Elliott, with a supporting cast that included future NBA players Steve Kerr and Tom Tolbert, breaking the 30 win mark for the first time in program history.

1994 - Before becoming NBA Rookie of the Year Damon Stoudamire and All-American Khalid Reeves highlighted the second team from Tucson to make it to the Final Four.


2 Seeds -


2005 - The last great Wildcat team featuring Salim Stoudamire and Channing Frye broke the 30 win mark and played in one of the most painful games in UA sports history. Would have been a great game against UNC for the championship had this game been played anywhere outside of the state of Illinois.

1998 - Mike Bibby returned to lead the Cats to thier 2nd 30 win season and a 1 seed in the tournament before getting bounced in the Eilite Eight.

2003 - On the back of the Tucson Citizen there was a full page color photo of All-Americans Walton and Gardner with fellow senior Rick Anderson lounging in the back of a convertible under a caption reading big and bold: NATIONAL TITLE OR BUST. Kirk Heinrich's block of Gardner's three point attempt in the last seconds of the Elite Eight matchup with Kansas meant bust.

1989 - In his senior year, sans Kerr, Elliott won the Wooden Award for being the nation's best player, taking the Wildcats with him to the Sweet Sixteen.


ROUND 1 -


(3) 1991 v (6) 1987 - With Kerr out for the year, a young Elliott and the only tourney team of Lute's to not make it to 20 wins face Brian Williams, Sean Rooks and Chris Mills.

(4) 1990 v (5) 1999 - This iteration of the Williams/Rooks combo take on a senior All-American Jason Terry accompanied by Michael Dickerson and a young Jefferson.

(3) 2002 v (6) 2006 - Following the devastating crash of the Illinois game in '05 and the loss of Frye and Stoudamire to the NBA, Hassan Adams leads a young team against the equally draft drained core of Walton, Gardener and Anderson.

(4) 1995 v (5) 2007 - Lute's final team with Chase Budinger and Marcus Williams (affectionately known as the Cancer) meet senior All-American and Pac10 Player of the Year Damon Stoudamire.

(3) 2000 v (6) 2004 - Andre Igoudala and Hassan Adams spent most of the year fighting for who would be higher on Sports Center's Top 10, and with Stoudamire and Frye learning the inside out game the '04 Cats go up against Arenas, Jefferson, Wright and Woods in a match up of two of the most athletic teams we have seen come through Tucson.

(4) 1993 v (5) 1985 - Lute's first Pac10 title saw the welcoming of a young man named Sean Elliott to McHale, joining Tolbert and Kerr here to challenge Stoudamire, Reeves, and Mills.

(3) 1996 v (6) 2008 - Kevin O'Neil's lone entry into the foray featuring freshman sensation Jarryd Bayless and an unrefined Jordan Hill take on freshman Jason Terry and Miles Simon.

(4) 1986 v (5) 1992 - Elliott, Kerr and Tolbert win Lute his first conference title and here meet up with Rooks, Mills and Reeves as a freshman.





So that's the first round. Who do you like? Leave your picks in the comments, and check back to see how the tourney goes. Here are my 3 quick thoughts on this year's tournament selection:

1- We earned it, with wins over quality teams like Gonzaga, Kansas, Washington, and UCLA to put us over the edge.

2- As long as we let you put us in, you put us in. To break the Streak we have to make it definitive, like UNC did by going 8-20 in '02, or when Duke went 13-18 in '95, or when Kansas went on probation in '89, or when Kentucky went 13-19 before their 2 year probation from '90-92. And yes, I did just call out the 4 programs ranked higher than us according to ESPN.

3- Here is your 12-5 upset, all wrapped up in a neat little bow. Don't say I never gave you anything.

Labels: sports

The idea behind a holiday is one of celebration, gathering together with loved ones and getting to know strangers while pouring back a few dozen of your favorite tasty beverages in homage to a religious idea, commemorating a social progression, or honoring a governmental position or ideal that you neither fully understand or agree with. This theme of celebration spans across cultures and continents taking different forms and gathering different traditions along the way. Everyone on the planet has their own special days. The average culture has 23 national holidays, the Israeli calendar, to take one, has over 40, and there are over 80 international holidays. The United States has 10. The challenge with the US is that there are so many different cultures that each little subculture has their own high holy days, and you don’t want to preferentially show favor to any of them. Christmas is sketchy enough. But I have a suggestion for two holidays that are so utterly American in nature that they might even piss the rest of the world, which seems to be what we are all about anyway. The Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Don’t these fit any kind of definition for a holiday that you could want? The gathering, the drinking the raw celebration… The Super Bowl is the most watched event on the planet, and there are hundreds of studies showing how during the first two days of the Madness work place productivity drops to nearly sub human levels. An entire genre of programming has been devoted to coming up with ways to let you follow the Madness covertly from your office. Just make it a holiday. Give us the Monday (today) off, and half of a week in March. Call it a spring break.

With that said, today I will be doing a running diary of my experience watching the Bowl, evaluating the commercials, and generally just saying whatever comes to mind. Here we go:

330- tuning in to the pregame show, just in time to see Tiki Barber interviewing Larry Fitzgerald. Logging first reference to Fitz Sr. being a sports writer, and anticipating at least 43 more over the next five hours. I do love the irony of Tiki interviewing Fitz Jr. Could we start a tradition of Tiki interviewing players in their first Super Bowl and Dan Marino doing the postgame with the winning quarterback?

340 – Am I the only one who wonders what Matt Millen is doing offering any sort of opinion on organizations and coaches who manage to make it to the Super Bowl? Detroit, can you hear me?

345 – Taking advantage of the low standards for pregame commercials to stock up on supplies: water, V8, almonds and a banana. No, I am not envisioning mini chimis, chicken strips, sliders and fountains of beer. This is totally what a Super bowl experience should be.

350 – Wondering why no one calls out Big Ben for just not being that good of a quarterback. He throws interceptions as often as he throws touchdowns, and for all the talk about him being hard to tackle and moving well in the pocket, he was sacked 51 times this year, which is 5^th worst in the league, in company with such illustrious company as the Chiefs, the 49ers and the Lions.

355 – Need to call my bookie immediately. Matt Millen just picked the Cardinals.

400 – Text from my friend who is a Baptist pastor: What’s the difference between a Steeler and a Catholic schoolboy? Nothing. They both get screwed by Cardinals. Yup, slamming both the Steelers and the entire Roman Catholic Church.

405 – Text from one of the few people I know who actually owned a Cardinals shirt before three weeks ago: Son of a b (yes, he did just use the first letter. I love evangelicals) Let’s hope that was Super Bowl winning linebacker Matt Millen making the pick, not talent evaluating guru Matt Millen

410 – I cannot get enough of Matt Millen. He said that the reason that the Cards are here is because Denny ‘They Are Who We Thought They Were’ Green had the courage to draft Fitz with the third pick. Is he just trying to justify taking a receiver with his first pick three years in a row? Matt, you’ve already been fired for killing a franchise. There is no redemption.

411 – Lebron James would be a phenomenon in football. Other athletes who would be devastating on the gridiron: Cristiano Ronaldo, Gretzky, D-Wade, Andre the Giant, and the Williams sisters.

415 – Kurt Warner is named NFL’s Man of the Year, strengthening the God and puppies argument, despite the vicious rumor that he plans to renege on the agreement, which I am convinced was started by a coalition of cat loving Steelers fans hoping to convince God to punish Warner for his infidelity.

417 – Text from Como at Harold’s Cave Creek Corral, home of Steeler Nation in Phoenix: 3800 people here, so much black and gold I feel a tear coming on.

420 – The close up of Fitz reminds me. This is my theory on Larry Fitzgerald’s super human ability: Are you familiar with Ronaldinho? Brazilian soccer phenom? He defies the laws of physics. You can go to a frame by frame close up of his signature move and in one frame his foot is on one side of the ball and in the next frame it is on the other side. Beyond that, he looks like an alien. Well, he is. As it happens he had an extraterrestrial sister who married a sports reporter in Minneapolis and gave birth to a half human son who now inhabits the #11 for Arizona.

425 – First round of Super Bowl commercials very underwhelming. Hoping that they are just pacing themselves.

426 – The NFC has won 11 straight Super Bowl coin tosses, which make the odds of their winning this one exactly same as the odds of Jaime Lee Curtis running on stage and tearing her shirt off during the half time show. They won. I can’t wait for half time.

429 – Andrea Kramer just got completely shown up by Alex Flanagan on the Cardinals sideline. Not only is high definition much kinder to Flanagan’s still young skin than to Kramer’s oddly disconcerting bug eyes, but the F. Scott Fitzgerald inspired Warner story is more compelling than the Steelers doctors injecting Hines Ward with the blood of a sacrificial steel worker.

433 – Apparently the Cardinals didn’t get the memo that Ward got the new blood. Isn’t that same blood doping technique used to cheat in bike racing?

438 – Big Ben runs over a defensive linesman and gets dragged into the end zone by his center, prompting Wisenhunt’s ill advised challenge flag.

440 – The second round of commercials are much better. Any defenestrating automatically improves a commercial series. What is the official term for a commercial block? When we get back the challenge is overturned! The good challenge by the Cardinals brings relief to everyone at the idea that we could have had Andy Ried here. Andy would have probably over looked this challenge opportunity while waiting to throw the flag when Boldin catches a pass in the stands. 3-0 the Burgh.

446 – The first big hit of the game is laid on Breston, the other 1,000 yard receiver. The second is when James Farrior knocks out Polamalu’s contact.

450 – John Madden, thank you for letting us know that swagger, 1) is not actually an institution of higher learning, and 2) that it is pronounced shwagga. The future ghetto youths of America thank you.

453 – Early commercial count : 3 movie previews, 2 Bud Light, 3 cars, and 2 NBC shows that don’t know the difference between one and two dimensions.

454 – Nate Washington is wide open in the end zone and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie shows up out of nowhere to nearly pick the ball. Looked like an easy touchdown, and probably was closer to being a turnover. That kid is quick. My money says he gets at least one today.

456 – Ben does exactly what everyone says he does and avoids 3 sacks by running around cluelessly and being huge, then finds the tight end for a first down, prompting a series of ‘I told you so’ texts from my Steeler faithful. The Steelers are moving with ease, eating clock like candy on Christmas, and making my projection very shaky.

503 – The Potato Head commercial is cute, but the guy making out with a monkey in a mechanic’s suit is more than a little disturbing. Coming back to the game, Ben R. has already had a better day than his last Super Bowl, which was the worst performance ever by a winning QB. And Madden has said that if he were choosing to do something he would choose Hines Ward. Thanks for that.

505 – The new Jack Black movie, ‘The Year One’ and the new Will Ferrell movie ‘Land of the Lost’ both look like they aren’t actual movies, but rather like both of those guys just made spoof trailers. And Russell makes it 10-0 Steelers. Not looking good for the boys in red.

510 – 6 preview, 5Bud Light, 4 cars, and 4 NBC commercials. And from Como: 3800 dislocated shoulders from Terrible Towel waving. Towel shoulder is the new tennis elbow.

516 – Through the first 19 minutes of the game the Cardinals have not even thrown the ball to either Fitz or Boldin. Daring move. Take your 2 best players out of the game.

520 – Guess it was part of the plan. Boldin for 45 yards sets up the first Arizona score. 10-7

523 – Four commercials into the series and we finally get told that G is a Gatorade commercial. And cars.com takes the early lead for commercial of the day.

526 – DRC comes close to getting another pick. He is now 1.5 inches away from having two interceptions on the day. Why would you even throw at him?

528 – The fat cat tries to help me type. It is less helpful than he might imagine. The Cards manage to get their first stop of the day leading to a HUGE 39 punt return by Breaston!! You can almost feel the momentum shifting. Which is immediately killed by a chop block penalty. Momentum back to normal.

533 – First sack of the day leads to 3^rd and 22.

539 – Great punt coverage keeps the Cardinals’ spirits high. Ball batted up and INTERCEPTED!! This is the defense that has twice as many takeaways in the playoffs as the legendary Steelers D, giving Warner the ball on the 33. If the Cards can just manage to get two of these bounces to bounce together then they might start to roll.

544 – But that won’t happen as Warner throws it away after another break. I have been informed that the collection of commercials during the break is called a cluster. This cluster brought our totals to 8 previews, 6 Bud, 6 NBC, and 6 cars.

547 – 29 minutes without even throwing the ball at him comes to an end as Fitz catches the ball for a 1^st at the 13.

550 – NFL Defensive player of the year, James Harrison with the T.A.Int!!! Picked at the goal line Harrison takes it 100 yards for a touchdown as time expired, making it the longest play in Super Bowl history, stealing any momentum the Cardinals were building and giving Pittsburgh a 17-7 lead! This is the kind of thing that you knew had to happen, the Steelers had to score points with their defense. John Madden thinks that regardless of whether he got into the end zone you should give Harrison the score because of how good of a play it was. Thanks, John.

555 - The replay is politely inconclusive, the score stands. That magnitude of that play cannot be overstated. A 14 point swing, right as they go into the locker room. Harrison is huge.

Halftime. I’m taking a break to make dinner, walk about and be sociable, use the facilities, and play with the animals.

630 – And we are back. Quick throw to Boldin and he leaves the field with a limp shoulder after a hit by Ryan Clark, who leads the league in Hits that Left a Player to be Carted Off.

635 – Warner gets hit by Farrior losing the ball to none other than the Defensive POY Harrison. The Challenge flag is down. Does Wisenhunt go 2 for 2?

640 – He does and the Cards punt. This commercial cluster brings the count to 13 previews, 11 Bud, 9 NBC, and 8 for cars.

643 – New stat just in: Warner has thrown to Cuba Gooding Jr. as often as he has to Larry Fitzgerald Jr.

646 – From Como: Cuba is easily the most famous Cardinal. And a late hit give the Steelers a 1^st.

650 – Is Mike Tomlin the baddest coach on the planet? Can you think of a coach you would rather not get in a fight with? Don’t you get the impression that he hangs out with Samuel L. Jackson on the weekends? And Parker breaks it to the outside and you can hear the nails going into the coffin…

653 - Terrible call! Adrian Wilson gets flagged for unnecessary roughness, because he tripped and fell into the holder. He clearly has his head down and just stumbles into the guy. What a ridiculous call. The Cards are having a hard enough time holding themselves together without the referees donning the black and gold. They manage to make the stop, again, and here is another go at the kick. 20-7 Steelers.

657 – Transformers 2 preview followed by the new nominee for commercial of the day from careerbuilders.com. And we have a favorite for cluster of the day. Highlighted by the punching the koala in the face. Can’t wait for that to show up on YouTube. In the cluster following the kick, Coke enters the fray with a fun forest commercial, joined with a slightly awkward Conan ad.

703 – Kurt Warner has 7 kids. He’s not a man, he’s a machine. Third quarter ends.

707 – Hah. Jack got hit by a bus. I’ll allow it. Strong work Jack in the Box.

711 – Stupid allotment of local commercial shots. Current score board: 15 previews, 12 Bud, 11 NBC, and 11 cars.

715 – After chasing all afternoon, the Cards finally get to Ben, and this is a critical possession. Nothing on the punt return, and if the Cardinals don’t put points on the board here, ball game. Coke is stepping up their game with a play on the classic Mean Joe Green commercial.

719 – 20 minutes after his first catch Fitz gets thrown to again, and makes the catch. Picking up the pace, the Cardinals look like they might believe they are still in the game. A big one to Arrington and they hit Fitz again. Great high catch, and nifty move after. He catches the next pass, too, and they are on the 5.

725 – Fitzgerald grabs the fade for the touchdown, giving him 4 for 31 on the drive, which was entirely through the air. In the next cluster Hulu joins the now completely website dominated contest for the commercial of the day. Opening a new category for non internet entities. Coke is favored for their body of work. 20-14, still Pittsburgh.

730 – Dockett breaks through for his second sack of the quarter, and the Cardinals second of the day. Steelers punt and this is setting up for Warner to go out as the greatest hero ever. Did that Pepsi commercial just imply that drinking Pepsi will kill you?

735 – A rare penalty on the Steelers brings the Cardinals to midfield, where they bewilderingly decide to run before a 23 yard strike to Breaston. The subsequent holding penalty, 3^rd of the night on Mike Gandy trying to block Harrison, puts the Cards over 100 penalty yards for the day, more than they had in the rest of the post season combined.

738 – Camera guy waits until now to show us that Warner’s daughter is ridiculously good looking? And the hero moment will have to wait as Warner misses the throw and the Cards punt and down it inside the 2!! Flag - James Harrison has just lost all of my respect for punching a Cardinal player while he was on his knees. The lost respect will probably be made up for by the increase in fear, as he hit the guy so hard that he flipped almost all the way over onto his shoulders.

743 – After narrowly escaping a safety Ben hits Holmes for a 24 yard completion, but there is a holding flag in the end zone! Safety! Cards get the ball at the 36, and the tension is mounting.

747 – Fitzgerald!! Splits the field right down the middle for a 64 yard touchdown! Warner goes to 344 yards, most allowed by the Steelers all year, Fitz has 100 yards and two touchdowns against them, the defense has a chance to seal the largest comeback in Super Bowl history!! They might have scored too quickly, though. Over two minutes left in the game.

751 – Ben avoids another sack and gets the ball to Holmes. If the Steelers are going to pull this out, it is going to be on his arm. If he does it, I will take back everything I ever said about him being a mediocre game manager disguised as an NFL quarterback. GoDaddy.com wins the award for most sexually appealing commercials.

756 – Only downside to the recent turn of events is that the onus being on the Steelers means more of Andrea Kramer, Holmes gets loose and the defender falls down! Steeler ball inside the 10 with 49 seconds left!

759 – Holmes drops the first TD and catches the fade in the left corner of the end zone. The only question is whether the right foot hits the turf… Madden says there isn’t any doubt. The officials concur. I disagree. I think the right foot just hit his other foot. The right heel is clearly higher than the left, the one that is on the ground. Replay camera angles seem like they are designed by a director whose sole ambition is to amplify ambiguity. The PAT makes it 4 points. 27-23 Steelers.

804 – 77 yards, 29 seconds. This is where God, the puppies, the karma, this is where that all comes in to play. Is there enough? Is it enough to overcome the Millen pick? Fitz catches again for 21. 45 yards left, 15 seconds, no time outs.

809 – It isn’t. There is no power on Earth that can subdue this Steelers defense. Warner is sacked while trying to throw the ball, the call is a fumble and that is the game. From Como: Sixburgh. 27-23, Steelers. Madden: the gap between winning and losing is the biggest gap on earth. Thanks, John.

As this was my first go at a diary style blog, a few thoughts. Yes, the people I watched the game with were annoyed that I was doing this, asking if anyone even read my crap, anyway. Which I don’t know, so if you do happen to be a regular reader, feel free to join the conversation by leaving comments… Movie previews ended up being the most common commercial, .coms took one, two and three for best in show – careerbuilder.com winning for punching a koala, cars.com takes second, and Hulu third, for confirming the long suspected notion that Alec Baldwin is in fact an alien. GoDaddy.com gets honorable mention for two suggestive commercials that sent every male age 15-35 straight to their website. And Coke wins the award for best commercial not advertising for an online company. Pepsi gets the dunce cap for the MacGyver rip off that seemed to indicate that if Mac drank Pepsi he would have been blown to bits… I owe Ben an apology. He is a man, and a more than adequate NFL quarterback. That last drive was a whole mountain of clutch buried in an avalanche of composure… This game was truly a matter of inches. I cannot for the life of me understand how they can have so many cameras and not get one conclusive replay shot of either Holmes or Harrison’s touchdowns. They clearly need some sort of ground eye view camera to tell whether Harrison’s knee or Holmes right foot touched the ground. If those two calls based on terrible camera angles are wrong, then the final score is 23-13, Cardinals. Which is pretty dang close to what this guy predicted. Because what if's matter.

Labels: sports