The Left Coast Biased

You may be thinking that lying is not a an area in which one would need instruction, as it is a natural trait or activity in which one dabbles intuitively, or not as one’s morals dictate, each according to their intuitive ability. The term ‘a born liar’ is bandied about with the frequency and generosity with which people distribute the title ‘genius’ and with as much accuracy. One who lies frequently is no more ‘a born liar’ than the middle school kid who just discovered rhyme is ‘a born poet’.

Alternatively, you may feel that lying is not an area in which one should be instructed, that it lies so far down on the morality scale that improving it, or even approving it, is a step backwards in social quality control. Whether this is due to some unfortunate experience in one’s youth or to lying showing up on a few archaic lists of do’s and don’ts is irrelevant.

I would here offer a distinction between two types of lie: the Beautiful Lie, and the despicable lie. The despicable lie is destructive, predatory and singularly beneficial. The Beautiful Lie is generous, creative and mutually beneficial. The simple rule is that if you are the only one who comes out of the lying moment feeling good, then you have done something despicable (here is an example of a despicable lie). A Beautiful Lie adds something to the moment, and everyone comes out feeling like a winner. This means that most lies to get out of homework, tickets or paternity suits are despicable. Most, but not all. More on this later.

What we have here is an introductory course (to be eligible for the advanced course you need to send me a check for $125 and schedule a weekend, or have been my girlfriend). The Beautiful Lie is an art that almost all children know and love. A child will wander blissfully from fact to fiction and back again, delighting in the reactions their narratives evoke until the dark day on which one or more of the following happens:

- The frustrated scowl of an impatient parent demands that they “grow up” or “just tell the truth” as though fidelity to historical accuracy is some great virtue. Congratulations, jerk. You didn’t just kill a dream. You killed a dreamer.

- Some kid who has been poisoned by his parents or older siblings with a need for proof challenges the young fabler to defend his tale (typically happens in Missouri).

- The close minded scholastic institution fails to accept that every dog in the neighborhood is inflicted with an insatiable appetite for math flavored notebook paper.

Here are 5 easy steps to get back to that more enjoyable time when Truth was fluid and delicious:

1- BELIEVE EVERYTHING – Skepticism is the lie’s dirty, illegitimate child who barges uninvited to the festive masquerade, spoiling everyone’s fun and souring the air with the unwelcome stench of reality. The entire point of the evening is an escape into the make believe; reality has no place here. An illustration of a Beautiful Lie that is easy and enjoyable until subjected to the harsh light of skepticism: the casual way that a girl looks at a boy, conveying that he is interesting, entertaining, and possibly even attractive. This is a lie. The moment is heightened though, and everyone feels better about where they are until the boy does something so coarse as to demand proof for the lie. This comes in a variety of forms, all asking from some sort of payment on the perceived promise of the lie, and all ending poorly for everyone involved. Let it go. Go home and just feel good about yourself for a while. Reality will raise its ugly head soon enough.

2- LIE FOR THEM, NOT FOR YOU – That is, not entirely for you. You should accept that the fact that every act ever committed was from a selfish motivation. Every one. Each of us does at all times what we think will secure for ourselves the most joy/happiness/satisfaction. We are often wrong or short sighted, but the motivation is always the same. The same is true of lying. You are obviously lying for your own benefit; you know that because you do everything for your own benefit. The goal of the Beautiful Lie is to charm, delight, to entertain. When you are getting out of your deadline, make your boss or teacher or parole officer feel good about letting you off the hook. Don’t have a computer failure or ‘a lot on your hands right now’. Fly across the country to help some desperate familial relation rebuild after whichever natural disaster is currently in vogue, or paint your child some terrifying color to replicate some potentially debilitating disease. It is like telling your wife that she doesn’t look fat in those pants. We have both seen your wife. Your wife has seen your wife. Everyone knows.

3- BE MORE INTERESTING – You ease your audience’s need for verification if you can litter some fascinating truths in there. If you have fled the from guerilla terrorists with only the clothes on your back, wrestled an alligator, and shot a member of your immediate family then I am going to be more able to release myself into your lie when you tell me that your cat is fluent in Cantonese.

4- STAY AS CLOSE TO THE TRUTH AS POSSIBLE – This is just a sub-step, really, making the last step easier. If you hear a crazy story that is true, just adopt it and make it yours. People want have a connection to the story and everyone knows that using ‘my friend’ is emotionally distancing people from the story. Embellish, rather than create from scrap. If you can describe the little details that stood out to you from 13 of your car accidents, then you help people believe that you have been in 18. This is not the same as providing evidence! Evidence is the enemy of the lie. Let the lie stand on its own. Having a lock of black hair does not incline me to believe that you successful held the Obama children for ransom. Do better than that.

5- BE YOUR OWN AUDIENCE – At the end of the day if you believe your own lie, then everyone else is more willing to get on board. Staying close to the truth makes that easier, and frequently telling fascinating true stories helps, too. In any event, it makes the telling more enjoyable.

Take these guidelines and run with them. If you are still morally convicted about lying, and have not bought into our qualitative distinction among lies then I ask you to imagine a world without makeup or underwire, and reconsider.