The Left Coast Biased

The idea behind a holiday is one of celebration, gathering together with loved ones and getting to know strangers while pouring back a few dozen of your favorite tasty beverages in homage to a religious idea, commemorating a social progression, or honoring a governmental position or ideal that you neither fully understand or agree with. This theme of celebration spans across cultures and continents taking different forms and gathering different traditions along the way. Everyone on the planet has their own special days. The average culture has 23 national holidays, the Israeli calendar, to take one, has over 40, and there are over 80 international holidays. The United States has 10. The challenge with the US is that there are so many different cultures that each little subculture has their own high holy days, and you don’t want to preferentially show favor to any of them. Christmas is sketchy enough. But I have a suggestion for two holidays that are so utterly American in nature that they might even piss the rest of the world, which seems to be what we are all about anyway. The Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Don’t these fit any kind of definition for a holiday that you could want? The gathering, the drinking the raw celebration… The Super Bowl is the most watched event on the planet, and there are hundreds of studies showing how during the first two days of the Madness work place productivity drops to nearly sub human levels. An entire genre of programming has been devoted to coming up with ways to let you follow the Madness covertly from your office. Just make it a holiday. Give us the Monday (today) off, and half of a week in March. Call it a spring break.

With that said, today I will be doing a running diary of my experience watching the Bowl, evaluating the commercials, and generally just saying whatever comes to mind. Here we go:

330- tuning in to the pregame show, just in time to see Tiki Barber interviewing Larry Fitzgerald. Logging first reference to Fitz Sr. being a sports writer, and anticipating at least 43 more over the next five hours. I do love the irony of Tiki interviewing Fitz Jr. Could we start a tradition of Tiki interviewing players in their first Super Bowl and Dan Marino doing the postgame with the winning quarterback?

340 – Am I the only one who wonders what Matt Millen is doing offering any sort of opinion on organizations and coaches who manage to make it to the Super Bowl? Detroit, can you hear me?

345 – Taking advantage of the low standards for pregame commercials to stock up on supplies: water, V8, almonds and a banana. No, I am not envisioning mini chimis, chicken strips, sliders and fountains of beer. This is totally what a Super bowl experience should be.

350 – Wondering why no one calls out Big Ben for just not being that good of a quarterback. He throws interceptions as often as he throws touchdowns, and for all the talk about him being hard to tackle and moving well in the pocket, he was sacked 51 times this year, which is 5^th worst in the league, in company with such illustrious company as the Chiefs, the 49ers and the Lions.

355 – Need to call my bookie immediately. Matt Millen just picked the Cardinals.

400 – Text from my friend who is a Baptist pastor: What’s the difference between a Steeler and a Catholic schoolboy? Nothing. They both get screwed by Cardinals. Yup, slamming both the Steelers and the entire Roman Catholic Church.

405 – Text from one of the few people I know who actually owned a Cardinals shirt before three weeks ago: Son of a b (yes, he did just use the first letter. I love evangelicals) Let’s hope that was Super Bowl winning linebacker Matt Millen making the pick, not talent evaluating guru Matt Millen

410 – I cannot get enough of Matt Millen. He said that the reason that the Cards are here is because Denny ‘They Are Who We Thought They Were’ Green had the courage to draft Fitz with the third pick. Is he just trying to justify taking a receiver with his first pick three years in a row? Matt, you’ve already been fired for killing a franchise. There is no redemption.

411 – Lebron James would be a phenomenon in football. Other athletes who would be devastating on the gridiron: Cristiano Ronaldo, Gretzky, D-Wade, Andre the Giant, and the Williams sisters.

415 – Kurt Warner is named NFL’s Man of the Year, strengthening the God and puppies argument, despite the vicious rumor that he plans to renege on the agreement, which I am convinced was started by a coalition of cat loving Steelers fans hoping to convince God to punish Warner for his infidelity.

417 – Text from Como at Harold’s Cave Creek Corral, home of Steeler Nation in Phoenix: 3800 people here, so much black and gold I feel a tear coming on.

420 – The close up of Fitz reminds me. This is my theory on Larry Fitzgerald’s super human ability: Are you familiar with Ronaldinho? Brazilian soccer phenom? He defies the laws of physics. You can go to a frame by frame close up of his signature move and in one frame his foot is on one side of the ball and in the next frame it is on the other side. Beyond that, he looks like an alien. Well, he is. As it happens he had an extraterrestrial sister who married a sports reporter in Minneapolis and gave birth to a half human son who now inhabits the #11 for Arizona.

425 – First round of Super Bowl commercials very underwhelming. Hoping that they are just pacing themselves.

426 – The NFC has won 11 straight Super Bowl coin tosses, which make the odds of their winning this one exactly same as the odds of Jaime Lee Curtis running on stage and tearing her shirt off during the half time show. They won. I can’t wait for half time.

429 – Andrea Kramer just got completely shown up by Alex Flanagan on the Cardinals sideline. Not only is high definition much kinder to Flanagan’s still young skin than to Kramer’s oddly disconcerting bug eyes, but the F. Scott Fitzgerald inspired Warner story is more compelling than the Steelers doctors injecting Hines Ward with the blood of a sacrificial steel worker.

433 – Apparently the Cardinals didn’t get the memo that Ward got the new blood. Isn’t that same blood doping technique used to cheat in bike racing?

438 – Big Ben runs over a defensive linesman and gets dragged into the end zone by his center, prompting Wisenhunt’s ill advised challenge flag.

440 – The second round of commercials are much better. Any defenestrating automatically improves a commercial series. What is the official term for a commercial block? When we get back the challenge is overturned! The good challenge by the Cardinals brings relief to everyone at the idea that we could have had Andy Ried here. Andy would have probably over looked this challenge opportunity while waiting to throw the flag when Boldin catches a pass in the stands. 3-0 the Burgh.

446 – The first big hit of the game is laid on Breston, the other 1,000 yard receiver. The second is when James Farrior knocks out Polamalu’s contact.

450 – John Madden, thank you for letting us know that swagger, 1) is not actually an institution of higher learning, and 2) that it is pronounced shwagga. The future ghetto youths of America thank you.

453 – Early commercial count : 3 movie previews, 2 Bud Light, 3 cars, and 2 NBC shows that don’t know the difference between one and two dimensions.

454 – Nate Washington is wide open in the end zone and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie shows up out of nowhere to nearly pick the ball. Looked like an easy touchdown, and probably was closer to being a turnover. That kid is quick. My money says he gets at least one today.

456 – Ben does exactly what everyone says he does and avoids 3 sacks by running around cluelessly and being huge, then finds the tight end for a first down, prompting a series of ‘I told you so’ texts from my Steeler faithful. The Steelers are moving with ease, eating clock like candy on Christmas, and making my projection very shaky.

503 – The Potato Head commercial is cute, but the guy making out with a monkey in a mechanic’s suit is more than a little disturbing. Coming back to the game, Ben R. has already had a better day than his last Super Bowl, which was the worst performance ever by a winning QB. And Madden has said that if he were choosing to do something he would choose Hines Ward. Thanks for that.

505 – The new Jack Black movie, ‘The Year One’ and the new Will Ferrell movie ‘Land of the Lost’ both look like they aren’t actual movies, but rather like both of those guys just made spoof trailers. And Russell makes it 10-0 Steelers. Not looking good for the boys in red.

510 – 6 preview, 5Bud Light, 4 cars, and 4 NBC commercials. And from Como: 3800 dislocated shoulders from Terrible Towel waving. Towel shoulder is the new tennis elbow.

516 – Through the first 19 minutes of the game the Cardinals have not even thrown the ball to either Fitz or Boldin. Daring move. Take your 2 best players out of the game.

520 – Guess it was part of the plan. Boldin for 45 yards sets up the first Arizona score. 10-7

523 – Four commercials into the series and we finally get told that G is a Gatorade commercial. And cars.com takes the early lead for commercial of the day.

526 – DRC comes close to getting another pick. He is now 1.5 inches away from having two interceptions on the day. Why would you even throw at him?

528 – The fat cat tries to help me type. It is less helpful than he might imagine. The Cards manage to get their first stop of the day leading to a HUGE 39 punt return by Breaston!! You can almost feel the momentum shifting. Which is immediately killed by a chop block penalty. Momentum back to normal.

533 – First sack of the day leads to 3^rd and 22.

539 – Great punt coverage keeps the Cardinals’ spirits high. Ball batted up and INTERCEPTED!! This is the defense that has twice as many takeaways in the playoffs as the legendary Steelers D, giving Warner the ball on the 33. If the Cards can just manage to get two of these bounces to bounce together then they might start to roll.

544 – But that won’t happen as Warner throws it away after another break. I have been informed that the collection of commercials during the break is called a cluster. This cluster brought our totals to 8 previews, 6 Bud, 6 NBC, and 6 cars.

547 – 29 minutes without even throwing the ball at him comes to an end as Fitz catches the ball for a 1^st at the 13.

550 – NFL Defensive player of the year, James Harrison with the T.A.Int!!! Picked at the goal line Harrison takes it 100 yards for a touchdown as time expired, making it the longest play in Super Bowl history, stealing any momentum the Cardinals were building and giving Pittsburgh a 17-7 lead! This is the kind of thing that you knew had to happen, the Steelers had to score points with their defense. John Madden thinks that regardless of whether he got into the end zone you should give Harrison the score because of how good of a play it was. Thanks, John.

555 - The replay is politely inconclusive, the score stands. That magnitude of that play cannot be overstated. A 14 point swing, right as they go into the locker room. Harrison is huge.

Halftime. I’m taking a break to make dinner, walk about and be sociable, use the facilities, and play with the animals.

630 – And we are back. Quick throw to Boldin and he leaves the field with a limp shoulder after a hit by Ryan Clark, who leads the league in Hits that Left a Player to be Carted Off.

635 – Warner gets hit by Farrior losing the ball to none other than the Defensive POY Harrison. The Challenge flag is down. Does Wisenhunt go 2 for 2?

640 – He does and the Cards punt. This commercial cluster brings the count to 13 previews, 11 Bud, 9 NBC, and 8 for cars.

643 – New stat just in: Warner has thrown to Cuba Gooding Jr. as often as he has to Larry Fitzgerald Jr.

646 – From Como: Cuba is easily the most famous Cardinal. And a late hit give the Steelers a 1^st.

650 – Is Mike Tomlin the baddest coach on the planet? Can you think of a coach you would rather not get in a fight with? Don’t you get the impression that he hangs out with Samuel L. Jackson on the weekends? And Parker breaks it to the outside and you can hear the nails going into the coffin…

653 - Terrible call! Adrian Wilson gets flagged for unnecessary roughness, because he tripped and fell into the holder. He clearly has his head down and just stumbles into the guy. What a ridiculous call. The Cards are having a hard enough time holding themselves together without the referees donning the black and gold. They manage to make the stop, again, and here is another go at the kick. 20-7 Steelers.

657 – Transformers 2 preview followed by the new nominee for commercial of the day from careerbuilders.com. And we have a favorite for cluster of the day. Highlighted by the punching the koala in the face. Can’t wait for that to show up on YouTube. In the cluster following the kick, Coke enters the fray with a fun forest commercial, joined with a slightly awkward Conan ad.

703 – Kurt Warner has 7 kids. He’s not a man, he’s a machine. Third quarter ends.

707 – Hah. Jack got hit by a bus. I’ll allow it. Strong work Jack in the Box.

711 – Stupid allotment of local commercial shots. Current score board: 15 previews, 12 Bud, 11 NBC, and 11 cars.

715 – After chasing all afternoon, the Cards finally get to Ben, and this is a critical possession. Nothing on the punt return, and if the Cardinals don’t put points on the board here, ball game. Coke is stepping up their game with a play on the classic Mean Joe Green commercial.

719 – 20 minutes after his first catch Fitz gets thrown to again, and makes the catch. Picking up the pace, the Cardinals look like they might believe they are still in the game. A big one to Arrington and they hit Fitz again. Great high catch, and nifty move after. He catches the next pass, too, and they are on the 5.

725 – Fitzgerald grabs the fade for the touchdown, giving him 4 for 31 on the drive, which was entirely through the air. In the next cluster Hulu joins the now completely website dominated contest for the commercial of the day. Opening a new category for non internet entities. Coke is favored for their body of work. 20-14, still Pittsburgh.

730 – Dockett breaks through for his second sack of the quarter, and the Cardinals second of the day. Steelers punt and this is setting up for Warner to go out as the greatest hero ever. Did that Pepsi commercial just imply that drinking Pepsi will kill you?

735 – A rare penalty on the Steelers brings the Cardinals to midfield, where they bewilderingly decide to run before a 23 yard strike to Breaston. The subsequent holding penalty, 3^rd of the night on Mike Gandy trying to block Harrison, puts the Cards over 100 penalty yards for the day, more than they had in the rest of the post season combined.

738 – Camera guy waits until now to show us that Warner’s daughter is ridiculously good looking? And the hero moment will have to wait as Warner misses the throw and the Cards punt and down it inside the 2!! Flag - James Harrison has just lost all of my respect for punching a Cardinal player while he was on his knees. The lost respect will probably be made up for by the increase in fear, as he hit the guy so hard that he flipped almost all the way over onto his shoulders.

743 – After narrowly escaping a safety Ben hits Holmes for a 24 yard completion, but there is a holding flag in the end zone! Safety! Cards get the ball at the 36, and the tension is mounting.

747 – Fitzgerald!! Splits the field right down the middle for a 64 yard touchdown! Warner goes to 344 yards, most allowed by the Steelers all year, Fitz has 100 yards and two touchdowns against them, the defense has a chance to seal the largest comeback in Super Bowl history!! They might have scored too quickly, though. Over two minutes left in the game.

751 – Ben avoids another sack and gets the ball to Holmes. If the Steelers are going to pull this out, it is going to be on his arm. If he does it, I will take back everything I ever said about him being a mediocre game manager disguised as an NFL quarterback. GoDaddy.com wins the award for most sexually appealing commercials.

756 – Only downside to the recent turn of events is that the onus being on the Steelers means more of Andrea Kramer, Holmes gets loose and the defender falls down! Steeler ball inside the 10 with 49 seconds left!

759 – Holmes drops the first TD and catches the fade in the left corner of the end zone. The only question is whether the right foot hits the turf… Madden says there isn’t any doubt. The officials concur. I disagree. I think the right foot just hit his other foot. The right heel is clearly higher than the left, the one that is on the ground. Replay camera angles seem like they are designed by a director whose sole ambition is to amplify ambiguity. The PAT makes it 4 points. 27-23 Steelers.

804 – 77 yards, 29 seconds. This is where God, the puppies, the karma, this is where that all comes in to play. Is there enough? Is it enough to overcome the Millen pick? Fitz catches again for 21. 45 yards left, 15 seconds, no time outs.

809 – It isn’t. There is no power on Earth that can subdue this Steelers defense. Warner is sacked while trying to throw the ball, the call is a fumble and that is the game. From Como: Sixburgh. 27-23, Steelers. Madden: the gap between winning and losing is the biggest gap on earth. Thanks, John.

As this was my first go at a diary style blog, a few thoughts. Yes, the people I watched the game with were annoyed that I was doing this, asking if anyone even read my crap, anyway. Which I don’t know, so if you do happen to be a regular reader, feel free to join the conversation by leaving comments… Movie previews ended up being the most common commercial, .coms took one, two and three for best in show – careerbuilder.com winning for punching a koala, cars.com takes second, and Hulu third, for confirming the long suspected notion that Alec Baldwin is in fact an alien. GoDaddy.com gets honorable mention for two suggestive commercials that sent every male age 15-35 straight to their website. And Coke wins the award for best commercial not advertising for an online company. Pepsi gets the dunce cap for the MacGyver rip off that seemed to indicate that if Mac drank Pepsi he would have been blown to bits… I owe Ben an apology. He is a man, and a more than adequate NFL quarterback. That last drive was a whole mountain of clutch buried in an avalanche of composure… This game was truly a matter of inches. I cannot for the life of me understand how they can have so many cameras and not get one conclusive replay shot of either Holmes or Harrison’s touchdowns. They clearly need some sort of ground eye view camera to tell whether Harrison’s knee or Holmes right foot touched the ground. If those two calls based on terrible camera angles are wrong, then the final score is 23-13, Cardinals. Which is pretty dang close to what this guy predicted. Because what if's matter.

Labels: sports